A life less extraordinary …

I’m an ant with delusions of being a lion trying to hang with eagles and wondering why it’s not working. Time to embrace my inner antness.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. The kind of thinking that will have major repercussions on my future. Call it part of an ongoing midlife crisis if you will. But whatever it is … it has me fighting internal battles on a pain inducing scale. In an attempt to get some order to this internal struggle, I am … well … writing it through. I am using my blog in one of the ways I originally intended … as a simple journal of thoughts that others can read. I am not seeking answers from others, or for others to tell me I am being silly or right or try to make me feel better or worse. Just putting together words in an attempt to better understand myself. If in the process others do have insight to share, or gain some insight themselves, well that is no bad thing.

It has dawned on me that I have been spending my life seeking to be extraordinary, when the simple fact of the matter is I am not. I have managed to associate with many extraordinary people, and as a result been lifted to a higher plane myself.

But it is not me.

I have been trying to become a master of all that I do, and in the process have managed to become a master of nothing. Don’t get me wrong. I am not unskilled. I actually have quite a few skills. But there is no skill I can claim to be outstanding in; nothing that makes me shine. It has become more and more apparent to me that the most successful people in the world are actually those who have obsessions. Passions that they pursue so doggedly that no obstacle really slows them down.

I have not found my obsession yet.

I have had these glorious dreams of greatness. Yet they are vague and undefined. And it seems to me that it has always been this way with me. I have been so busy reaching for stars so far out of my reach that I frequently end up falling on my face because I miss what is right around me.

And now I am finding that I am completely lost as a result.

I was recently nominated for one of those blogging awards that is on the one hand rather heart warming and on the other kind of a pain in the arse. I truly appreciate that one felt that I should get the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. I am honored that he thoughts so. And at the same time questioning if I even deserve it. If I manage to inspire, it is because I have been inspired by so many others. I am just passing it on. Even if I were inclined to continue this Chain Award, I would be hard pressed to pick specific people who inspire me. Yes there are those few bloggers I follow with regularity (when I follow anyone at all) who inspire me just by existing. But every blog post I read inspires me in some way. I wouldn’t be reading it if something about it had not caught my attention.

So where is this ramble actually getting me? I still don’t have answers, still am wondering what to do next. But maybe one of the keys is to stop pretending to be more than I am; to stop reaching for things well out of my reach. That does not mean they are unobtainable, but maybe I will better find a path to them if I try smaller steps. Time to stop seeking extraordinary and simply focus on being the best ordinary I can be.

Time to embrace my inner ant.