A hermit’s guide to a social life

A lot of people complain about how they have no social life. I decided based on my years of experience and study to share some of my techniques. Maybe some will benefit from my wisdom and find themselves fighting off friends. Here are a few of the more notable suggestions:

1. Do not work. Don’t have an income. Or any money in savings.
2. Have no transportation. And make sure you live someplace where nothing actually happens within walking distance.
3. Live with your parents in an attic room. Make sure the house has cats.
4. Become addicted to social media sites. Specifically find pointless games that have thousands of other people to connect with … none of whom actually live anywhere near you.
5. Watch a lot of television. Or movies. Read a lot. Do these things at all hours so that you never actually sleep.
6. Never exercise because you are too busy social networking, watching stuff, reading, and not sleeping. Unless it is to walk to the kitchen to eat all sorts of junk food.
7. Gain enough weight to make the average scale wince when you enter the room.
8. Never leave the house because you don’t fit in any decent clothes anymore from all that eating and not exercising.

Study these techniques thoroughly. Once you feel you have them down pat … do your ultimate best to NOT do any of them. If anything, it might be wisest to do the exact opposite. If you follow this advice you will find yourself fighting for walking space among your many friends in no time!!

I do consult if you wish me to lead a seminar. I am easy to find. I am that chubby guy over there in the stretch pants staring wide-eyed at a computer screen munching on chips. Not to worry. My schedule is quite open.

P.S. As my blogging friend the curtain raiser pointed out, I missed a couple of important suggestions. So here they are:

9. Don’t return phone calls and never answer emails from people you actually know and have met.