Analysis of a rant

OK class, today we are going to break down a first class raving rant and see what we can learn. Look at the following before we proceed (original to be found here):

I AM A BULLY FOR NOT PUTTING UP WITH A NO MORALS PERSON WHO LIES ABOUT ME? THE REAL BULLIES CHILD ARE YOU AND YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS WHO GANG UP ON A VET AND A SENIOR CITIZEN WHO IS TELLING THE TRUTH!

AS YOU CAN NOT PROVE I AM LOGICALLY OR FACTUALLY WRONG, YOU STOOP TO ATTACKING WHAT YOU THINK YOU CAN!

THE ACT OF A LOSER!

TOO BAD YOU ARE AN ANAL RETENTIVE NIT PICKER WHO IS SO CLUELESS YOU DO NOT REALIZE MY COMMENTS FULLY SATISFY THE PRIMARY PURPOSE OF LANGUAGE!

ANYONE WHO SUPPORTS A LIAR LIKE MARK AS YOU HAVE IS ALSO DISHONEST, HAVE NO INTEGRITY OR HONOR! ALL WHICH MAKES YOU A PISS POOR PARENT!

FYI CHILD THE ODDS OF YOU BEING MORE INTELLIGENT THAN I ARE ABOUT ZERO

SO NITPICKER, GO PLAY WITH YOUR LITTLE RETARDED NO MORALS FRIENDS

What is the first thing we notice! What’s that? All caps! Good job! You get a gold star. So what can we take from this? Well in text communication, all caps is considered the equivalent of shouting. Obviously one must be able to get their point across better when they shout. We all know how well it works to speak louder to someone who does not understand your language. So a proper rant must be in all caps.

The next thing. When ranting make sure to point out all your strengths because everyone wants to know why they should respect you. Everyone knows that simply being a senior citizen means you know everything and no longer have to show respect to anyone else. After all you have earned it just by living so long right? And it is a proven fact that being a member of the military automatically makes you a better person than any other. I think it is written in the small print when you sign up. And we all know how much military discipline improves free thought! And make sure you repeatedly say how truthful you are. Because by insisting on it you will no doubt be believed. Especially when no one actually ever said you were not. Make sure you also tell everyone how intelligent you are too. Otherwise they might miss it!

Now is the key point! Attack! And meanly. There is absolutely no way your point will get through unless you heave undeserved and unimaginative insults at your opponent. Everyone knows that continuously abusing people for no good reason is the only way to make them respect you!

Take a look at in the following places with examples from the same master ranter:

There may be other examples to be found as well. Use what we have learned here and from those other first class rants and create a rant of your own.  The subject of your rant is your choice. Just make sure the victims are totally undeserving, and that they will feel that you are a raving lunatic not worthy of answering!

OK class, go to it!

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