Welcome to the Ultra Conservative School for Logic and Clarity!
Our course selection will ensure you make it through the maze called life with the skill and sureness of a blind man! We have a wide variety of courses for you. Here are some of the most popular:
It’s someone else’s fault:
This course makes you understand that personal responsibility is a myth. We all know that such things as succumbing to temptation is a sin. But not to worry. After taking this course you will be secure in the knowledge that it is NOT your fault for succumbing. Obviously it is the fault of the tempters! But that is not all. We will teach you the fine art of using scapegoats and turning a blind eye to inconvenient truths!
Laws are NOT for the people who can afford expensive lawyers:
With this course, you will learn that extreme personal wealth cures all inconveniences … such as the annoyance of laws and a consistent moral system. If you have more than any one small country could ever need in shiny baubles, you will basically be able to ignore ANYTHING that does not fit in with your own personal agenda. What’s more you will become well assured of your superiority to all those lesser poor folk who are obviously no good because they actually have a conscience.
If it is on the internet, or the media, it must be true:
This is a multi facet course. Here you will learn that the more money you spend on something to be seen by the multitude, the more truth it holds. You will also learn that if you drop the right names, throw in a few big words, and have lots of pictures and graphs, then NOBODY will doubt your truth. After all, facts have very little to do with truth (unless they work in favor of what you want).
Books written thousands of years ago know all:
In this course you will learn the fine art of avoiding common sense when it is inconvenient. You will also learn to pick and choose which parts of “absolute” truths you are willing to consider true, with the added bonus of ignoring anything that does not work for you or contradicts what you choose is true. You will also learn the pure satisfaction of KNOWING you are right about things because you have memorized an ancient quote that has been translated a few times.
It’s not my place to judge, unless I WANT to:
We will teach you that the only thing that truly matters is what happens to us AFTER we die. But just in case others are not sure how to prepare for that event, we will teach you how to properly disapprove of anyone who does not live as you do. We will teach the valuable concept that everyone who lives exactly like you do agrees with you so you MUST be right about everything.
There are many more courses to offer. You just need to prove your skill at mindless obedience and we will gladly send you a catalogue and get you started on your career of intolerance*
“Has that check cleared yet? …. ahem … whatever you say is completely correct corporate overlord!”
A leading Congressman
“It says so right here in the [your choice] that what I … er um … the school teaches, is the absolute truth. Just make sure you don’t read THAT passage!”
Any religious zealot
“I would never have robbed that bank until I realized that it was the bank’s fault for tempting me with all that money.
A guy looking for an excuse
Turn off your brain today and sign up for a course! Only WE can make the world a better place!