I have decided to finally embrace the one true religion. Admittedly there have been several choices throughout my life that sparked an interest, such as the Almighty Bob, and Pastafarianism is definitely worth a second look. But I went into the desert for 40 days and nights (it MIGHT have been a dream), and came out knowing the truth at last. Of course no self-respecting religion has just ONE follower, so it seems only appropriate that I get my preach on and gain me some converts.
To make it easier, and because it is the in thing, I am writing all the important things down in a document, that way people can be absolutely sure of the truth of what I am saying because … well … it is written down. What I share is DIRECTLY from the god of my religion. I know this for a fact because I AM the god of my religion.
WELCOME TO STEVEISM
The why’s and how’s of it all:
In the beginning, things began. Stuff happened. More stuff happened. Stuff continued to happen. Eventually, after all this stuff happening, humans got involved in stuff, and things really started getting confusing. Now stuff happens all the time. Sometimes stuff doesn’t happen. And humans can’t seem to keep their noses out of it. Stuff will continue to happen, until stuff stops happening.
- Thou shalt not use thou.
- I am the guy named Steve. You should not listen to a word I say unless you happen to agree with it.
- Don’t kill other humans.
- You should do whatever you feel is right (except kill, because it is probably NOT right).
- You should make mistakes and learn from them.
- Feeling guilty for no good reason is a sin.
- Not thinking for yourself is a sin.
- Not sinning once in a while is a sin.
- Those are the only sins worth mentioning.
- The punishment for sinning is to have someone point at you and laugh hysterically until you laugh as well.
Worship is easy. When you feel the need to blame someone else for something that goes wrong, it’s not The Alguyie Steve’s fault. Take responsibility for your own actions. When things go right, don’t thank me. Take responsibility for your own actions. And when you are unsure what to do in any given situation, don’t pray to me. THINK. And take responsibility for your own actions. The punishment for the crime of NOT believing in this … The One True Religion (for me at least) is a big ol sack of complete indifference mixed with a solid “Good for you!” Believe what you want!
So how was my sales pitch? Any converts? All are welcome! And if it is not for you, you are even more welcome!
In the name of The Alguyie Steve, I say “That’s all folks.”