My love hate relationship with sleep

I am not one for astrology. I believe in the interconnectedness of all things, but I don’t believe anyone can predict anything from the positions of stars in the sky. Especially anything about human nature. On the other hand, I am completely dichotomous by nature. Which is ironic since the astrologers label me Gemini.

What does this have to do with my title? One may ask.

Patience Grasshopper! I will arrive there eventually (maybe).

Throughout my life I have appeared to many as indecisive. A fence-sitter even. I act the chameleon with my interactions with people, comfortable with all yet never really being part of any group.

The reality is this. Or at least my personal perception is this: because I value the moment I live in more than moments past or moments yet to be, I live in each moment as it comes. I embrace what I need to to make the most of that moment. Or at least try to. That may mean that I shift to fit the moment.

What may be important for one moment may be dust in the wind for another.

This is how I live my life. I am a fluid character, filling the container of the moment as I need to. And in the dichotomy that is me, this is my greatest strength and possible also my greatest weakness. For as well as I can fit in anywhere, I never truly actually fit. Because every moment I am changing. Of course this does not make me unique. We all change moment to moment. But some don’t swing in as wide an arc. I am the fringe dweller that loves crowds. I am the quiet shouter; the atonal musician; the blind artist.

In short I am defined by contradictions. 

I have always known this about myself, but it was recently truly brought into my self-awareness with the oddness of my sleeping patterns. I love to sleep. Sleep refreshes the mind; builds energy. Sleep is a way to recoup. Sleep allows us to truly explore the vast realm of imagination, with no restrictions. I can never get enough of it. I love sleep.

That is except when I don’t love sleep. Sleep is also an escape. I have always felt that by sleeping I was missing too much. So much of life passes me by when my eyes are open. How much more when they are closed?

Lately I have a strange combination of insomnia and over-sleeping. I cannot seem to relax into sleep when I should be, yet when I do get to sleep I don’t want to leave it. I seem to live a much more exciting life in my dreams than I do in my waking life at the moment.

So what lesson am I to learn from this? Why am I even rambling on about it. That is always the question I need to ask myself when I let my fingers wander over the keyboard on their own. I have not really written much in the last few weeks (book included), lacking motivation and inspiration. Yet I could not really understand why. It seems to somehow relate to this full awareness of my dichotomy. It is as if I am questioning who I am again, and why I am doing what I am doing. I am tired yet not tired. I am full of ideas that I can not seem to grasp … except when I am asleep. My dreams of late have been wild and exotic journeys, while my waking life seems to be going nowhere.

Even as I type these words the lesson finally reveals itself to me. Sometimes we need to abandon “why?” and simply DO. Acceptance can be hard, but acceptance is key. We are who we are. If we can not accept ourselves as who we are, even the contradictions within ourselves, how can we expect others to? But even more than that, I need to remember that limbo is not motion. I write to create. I write to tell a story. I write to express thoughts. I write to remind myself of things. I write to be heard. I write for oh so many reasons!

Every single reason to write is a good one. And every one helps me grow as a human. Helps me to the best me that I can be. And sometimes maybe even helps another. With a lesson learned or maybe some simple enjoyment. By not writing; by allowing myself to drift in limbo, I am cheating myself and life. I am cheating myself OF life.

I am dichotomy. I am a two-sided coin that is often flipped. This is neither good nor bad. It has its strength and it has its weaknesses. It is simply who I am. I need to embrace this. I need to embrace me. I need to be the best me I can be.

Once again I need to live life.

And get a good night’s sleep.

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