Og was wondering through the trees seeking out a scrumptious yet easy to catch beastie for lunch. As he started to leap over a stream that dared to cross his path, a bright shiny object in the bottom of the stream caught is attention. Multitasking not being invented yet, Og forgot he was in the process of leaping and fully focused on the pretty shiny thing.
The splash was enough of a stir to scare the local lunch options far away. But a now dripping Og did not care. He had his shiny object firmly in hand. Og’s hunger, and his mission thoroughly forgotten now, he stumbled back to the cave fully engrossed with the shiny thing in his hand. He hardly noticed the path of destruction he left as he tripped over rocks and ran into trees on his walk back.
Back at the cave, Og’s wife Eeek held out her hand and said “Grrrrlll snap snap poooka mmmm?” [Translation: Where’s lunch hubby?]
Og replied “Uig!” and showed her the shiny thing. [Translation: What you on about woman? I got a shiny thing!]
Eeek’s eyes lit up and she tried to take the shiny thing. Og would have none of it and just walked over to his favorite lounge rock and plopped down. The shiny thing was even more entertaining than the Flatwall cave drawing he usually stared at.
Og’s brother Ug wandered in carrying a few bloody carcasses. Eeek looked at Og and said “Ffffffffftttttttttt!!!!” [Translation: “Why can’t you be more like your brother you lazy sack o ~!@?] Og just admired the shiny thing.
Ug caught site of the shiny thing and ran over to Og. “Oowee?” he said hopefully. [Translation: Oooooh! A shiny thing. Can I touch it?]
Og shrugged Ug off, and then pointed to one of the bloody carcasses and said “Mueh putput!” [Translation: Feed me bro and I’ll let you touch the shiny thing for a second!]
Ug seemed to think that was a bargain, so he handed a bloody carcass to Eeek and went and got some wood for the fire so Eeek could do her stuff. Eeek said “Blehk!” and stormed out of the cave. [Translation: What am I your slave? Cook the damn thing yourself!]
Ug remained mostly unscathed, and only burnt down half a forest, but he managed to serve up a suitable helping of burnt carcass, so was allowed to touch the shiny thing. He then went down to the local watering hole and bragged to all about how his brother had a shiny thing that all should envy.
The word spread quickly and soon everyone wanted to see and touch the shiny thing. Og made sure everyone earned the right. He was so bombarded with requests that he had to hire a secretary. Sweet young Hubbahubba would sit on his lap as she fielded requests to touch the shiny thing. For some reason Eeek was not happy about this.
Ik, Og’s rival, did not think someone as undeserving as Og should have such a wonderful shiny thing. So he went out and found himself a bigger and better shiny thing. Pretty soon everyone spent all their time looking for shiny things. The bigger and the more, the better. Those with the most and best shiny things ruled the roost, while those who did not really care all that much about shiny things did all the work.
This continued for a long time and before you know it the United States was born.