I'll write you a check!

While I am far from a perfectionist, my work ethic comes right from the lazy man’s bible. There is basically one commandment:

THOU SHALL WORK SMARTER NOT HARDER!

and in the fine print below

Get ‘er done!

I am a firm believer of doing it right the first time. Of course this is a questionable business practice. How could businesses ever survive without service contracts, bug fixes and built-in obsolescence?

These days if you want to streamline productivity, there are numerous consulting types out there who will gladly tell you how to Get ‘er done! well and quickly so it lasts. But I have noticed that in one industry at least, there seems to be a severe lack of taking advantages of such expertise. Being the generous minded person that I am, I figured that I would use my observational power and give these poor, inefficient souls a few hints. Hopefully some of my suggestions will register with those who write the employee manuals. We want to ensure satisfaction.

Tips and tricks for scammers aimed at the american market:

1. Learn the relevant terminology. “Native American” does NOT mean you were born in America.
2. Learn English. I mean the actual language. Not something that resembles English like a cat in a cape resembles Underdog. There is nothing like using a phrase such as “More better” to engender confidence in your mark. And if you are going to put your proposal into print, learn how to spell.
3. Don’t make a point of telling your mark how honest and trustworthy you are. Repeatedly. It makes it sound like you are trying to convince yourself. It is kind of like the staggering drunk repeatedly saying “I drank only one offisher!”
4. If you are going to create a Facebook page for authenticity, you might want one that is  more than a few hours old, has only three pictures, and a very small friends list made up of single 40 somethings all of the same sex. And pick a school that sounds more impressive than California High School.
5. A picture of boxes of money does not actually prove anything.
6. How many billionaire oil barons from Eastern Africa died recently anyway? Or is it just one with a huge number of daughters?
7. If you are going to run your own small textile, electronics, cosmetic, etc. business, take heed that apparently Customs Fees in various European nations seem to quadruple instantaneously. It would be wise to plan accordingly so you don’t spend all of your mother’s money living in that hotel while you try to figure out how to pay for your products so you can take them home and sell them.
8. The American healthcare system may be in shambles, but if that operation your mother needs is actually REQUIRED for survival she WILL still get it, even if you have no insurance.
9. A person you met on a Social Networking game and chatted to for all of ten minutes is NOT more trustworthy than the American Embassy.
10. Why do all you soldiers proudly fighting for Democracy have all this time on your hands to play on Social Networking sites and chat anyway? Don’t you have soldiery things to do?

I think this is a fair selection of hints, and might improve the scamming experience for everyone. One last thought. If someone seems to have taken your bait, you might want to be sure they are not smarter than you. For instance when you ask for the address to send all those iPods so you can properly sell them in the states, you might want to be sure that they don’t give you the address of the local police station.

OK scammers! Go out and get ’em! Let’s see some serious conning going on!