Being the skilled hermit I have become, I don’t get much in the way of mail. Well at least the kind that is delivered by hand. There are a few things I expect on a regular basis: the random notice from the state telling me why my health insurance is or is not my health insurance anymore; the occasional bid from one of my alma maters requesting money; the one or two newsletter type things I actually signed up for … things like that.
Every once in a while though I get a bit of mail from someone which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Something that says "Somebody really cares!" and lets me know how well the world knows and misses me. For instance those offers for car insurance … when not only have I not owned a car in about ten years, but I have not even had my license for nine of them. There are always the great offers for loans and credit cards with amazing rates because I have earned them … when I have not had a true job in years, don’t use credit cards, and probably have a negative credit rating.
My personal favorite is the mail that offers all sorts of wonderful gifts, just for me (and my partner of course because being singly is anathema for giveaways). All I need to do is call the phone number right away, set up an appointment, go to a presentation to sell me something basically worthless but expensive, and prove that I (and the partner I don’t have) can actually afford said worthless but expensive something. Of course they don’t actually say all that. What they do say is how hard they have been trying to contact me to give me all theses goodies. Call right away so I can get them.
I feel so guilty that I make it so difficult for all these altruistic folk to contact me. They obviously have worked hard to find me. Brings a tear to my eye. I am just curious about one thing.
Why do they think my non-existent partner’s name is Current Resident?