A list of Federally recognized holidays:
- New Year’s Day: we celebrate a random day in the middle of winter that doesn’t actually start anything except an arbitrary calendar by partying hard and having mega sales.
- Martin Luther King Jr Day: we honor a wise and good man by pretending racism is gone and having mega sales.
- George Washington’s Birthday / President’s Day: we honor our first president, and to be politically correct ALL presidents (even if they did nothing particularly good for our country) by having mega sales.
- Easter (technically a business holiday): we prove that there is a war on Christianity by having 2 out of our 11+ Nationally Recognized holidays being Christian (the ONLY religion actually honored nationally), and celebrate with lots of food, a series of pagan rituals and having mega sales.
- Memorial Day: we remember the many soldiers that have died for our country by having barbecues and mega sales.
- Independence Day: we celebrate the birth of our nation with barbecues, often illegal fireworks, and having mega sales.
- Labor Day: We honor the workers of our nation by making them work overtime for mega sales.
- Columbus Day: we honor a dude who accidentally bumped into a well populated and already often visited “New World”, claiming he discovered it, by having mega sales.
- Veteran’s Day: We honor the many soldier’s who have not yet died for our country so we can ignore them completely for the other 364 days of the year, by having mega sales.
- Thanksgiving Day: we remember the day that we actually thanked the indigenous population for helping a few of us survive before we completely ruined their lives, by having a big meal and having mega sales.
- Black Friday (business “holiday”): we have a day devoted to mega sales (we really needed one!!)
- Christmas Day: we again prove the war on Christianity by celebrating the non-birthday of a man who may or may not even have existed with lots of food, a series of pagan rituals and having mega sales.
And people wonder why I am a cynic.
