Some critters we need to watch out for …

I find it difficult to write something since I have apparently been recently swallowed by a rather large mutant snake with both an attitude and a really big appetite. It does tend to ruin ones concentration. But I will persevere, hoping to get a fair bit o’ readable out before I become snake poop. I still have hope of surviving the encounter. I have had many encounters with bizarre and ravenous beasties throughout my nature days of my youth, and I am still here to chat about them (minus a minor digit or two).

Even the more natural critters have their moments of messing. I have witnessed a bear peeing on a tent, and know of at least one instance of a moose tripping over another. And who knew moose were peckish about the color red? I have even seen vicious raccoons unzipping packs with the dexterity of a piano player. Bear bowling is a sport nobody wants to see first hand, especially when it is the army foot locker containing our food. But the beasties of legend still are the freakiest.

There are the famed diamond toothed rock boring gophers for instance. For the most part they are harmless, but being gophers and all, they don’t have the best vision. So if you happen to be sleeping on or near a nice juicy piece of granite you might find your self waking up with an unexpected hole in the bod. The granite worms tend to do the same thing, though their holes are usually a little smaller. Usually if ya just pick your campsite wisely (like a 5 star hotel), they shouldn’t bother you.

The critters that you have to look out for generally have wings. The hawquito, which resembles a mosquito, but has a wing span of roughly 16 feet, has been known to carry off large horses. The truly nasty ones are black flies. They are fairly tiny, but fast and vicious. They don’t even bother keeping the blood they suck, biting for the sheer pleasure of it. The problem is, as small as they are, somehow through some pan-dimensional genetic mutation,  their proboscis is actually about three miles long. And they work together in large, well-disciplined military units. I once witnessed a whole boy scout troop being carried away by them!

Fortunately, since we plan on creating a nice manly musk to help keep the flying beasties away, we will not spend too much time in notable sized bodies of water. That is where the flying leaches hang out. They are not content to be able to sneak up on you as you roll around in the mud for a nice pig-like cleanse. No they want to be sure to get a nice swallow of our juiciness by being able to fly a few feet at a time. Kind of like flying fish with an evil glint in their eyes and a straw. They still haunt my nightmares.

But perhaps the most insidious beastie is the North American Barking Spider. They have camouflage that makes them almost impossible to see, and have a tendency to nest in pants. About the only time you can see what they look like is late at night in an outhouse with a flashlight. Then you will see a gargantuan white furry big fanged spider thing that is staring you down saying, I dare ya to leave! The funny thing about Barking Spiders is they don’t actually harm those who directly mess with their nest. Rather then bite, they often let out a foul odor, usually accompanied by rather loud “barking” sounds. This is more deadly to those around the infected. Barking Spiders have been known to bring a whole camp full of brawny men to their knees.

Come to think of it, with all these memories coming back to me, maybe hanging out inside a snake is not all the bad. Maybe we can make a Little Shop of Horrors type agreement with the snake?