Steve's Bachelor Kitchen

Ready made dessert:

Step 1: Obtain suitable tupperware.

Step 2: Go to the nearest Registry of Motor Vehicles.

Step 3: Scoop up any wandering jello puddles. If none are immediately available, just wait patiently.

Step 4: Chill before serving.

“Huh?!” you wisely say.


A man walks into the Registry. Behind the desk is a woman drinking coffee. On the wall is a clock. On the floor, a yard in front of the desk, is a white line. No one else is there.

MAN: (Walks up to the desk.) Excuse me miss…
CLERK: Please wait behind the line until you are called.
MAN: But there is no one…
CLERK: Please wait behind the line until you are called.

The man steps behind the line and waits.

CLOCK: Tick, tick, tick.
CLERK: Sip. sip.
CLOCK: Tick, tick, tick.
CLERK: Sip. sip.
MAN: (Walks up to the desk.) Excuse me miss…

Return to the beginning. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00.


A few years later.

CLOCK: (Evil laugh.) Tick, tick, tick.
CLERK: Sip, gulp! Sigh!
MAN: Rip, rip. (The sound of several clumps of hair being pulled out.)
CLERK: Next!

The man faints. The man recovers. The man runs to a bar and celebrates. The man walks up to the desk.

MAN: I need a picture ID.
CLERK: Please fill out this form and go to the end of the line.

The man screams. The man bangs his head against the wall. The man shoots his dog. The man fills out the form.

Return to the beginning … etc.


The world revolves a few times.

MAN: (Hands the form to the clerk.) Here.
CLERK: You must have three picture ID’s.
MAN: (By now completely bald.) But the reason I need a picture ID is that I have no picture ID!
CLERK: Well then you must have a picture ID with your social security card and your birth certificate.
MAN: But you don’t understand. I don’t have a picture ID.
ABBOTT: Who’s on first?
COSTELLO: I dunno!
ABBOTT: Third base!

Steve slaps himself on the face and get’s back on track.

CLERK: Well then we need a picture ID, your thumbprint, and your left testicle.
BOY: But I told you, I don’t have a picture ID.
CLERK: Do you have anything?
BOY: I have a library card.
CLERK: Good enough.

The boy skips. The boy jumps. The boy runs naked through the fields. The boy gives the woman his library card.

CLERK: That will be (obscene amounts of money). Please wait in that line to have your picture taken.
POOL OF JELLO: Thank you.

After a repeat of a few of the previous scenes (you know which ones) the pool of jello leaves the Registry with a picture ID only to be scooped up by a hungry bachelor.


And then the world ended.