Truth in advertising

I like to think I am a pretty perceptive fellow. I can learn a lot about a person by their manner of speech or writing, or sometimes even from something a simple as a candid picture of them. I am pretty good at finding patterns and reading between the lines. Not that I am never wrong, but I am right enough to pay the bills  (if I actually made money doing it). However there is one similar skill that I find mighty impressive, and I am thoroughly jealous of those who have mastered the art. I hope to someday manage it myself.

I speak of the fine art of knowing all about someone just from their email address (there is a subset of the elite who can do the same with a phone number).

For instance it amazes me that that poor dying billionaire who suddenly sees the light knows that I am trustworthy and charitable enough to give millions simply from seeing a few letters before the @.  I am truly honored that they read me so well. Better yet are those who are concerned about my health (both mental and physical). It is apparently obvious from my email address that not only am I in need of various medications, but my manliness is entirely not manly enough. For my well-being, and that of the many woman I will no doubt get from all the dating sites I will soon belong to, I will surely need to use all the longevity and lengthening tools I apparently need. I need only decide if I want to choose a senior (I am only in my 40’s), or perhaps I would prefer a Christian seeking other Christians (I am Jewish). Or maybe I will jump on the all black dating sight (I am


Caucasian). Of course there is a the whole issue with the faulty mesh Inter Uterine Device that I got. Though to me it is no surprise that it did not work right considering all that growing manliness. But I wouldn’t want to waste a potential windfall law suite!

I think I should join the revolution. obviously the theory behind spam (and as far as I can tell advertising in general) is that if you reach enough people there is bound to be a sucker or three who will be dazzled by your shiny lights. Seems to me the only difference between mainstream advertising and spam is if they use spellchecker or not. I think I will send out a mass email myself. It will go something like this:

Dear best friend,

You don’t actually know me (unless maybe you do), so you have not yet realized we are best friends. Please send me a dollar. You will get absolutely nothing in return for this dollar, but I ask you to send me one anyway. Because I am asking nicely. Don’t worry, I won’t ask for your address, phone number, social security number, blood type, sexual preference, height, weight, favorite color, or even name. All you need to send me my dollar is to reply to the email. I will send you my mailing address. Or if you prefer, I have Paypal.

I look forward to your dollar.

Sincerely, your best friend that you may or may not have met yet,

I am liking this plan. If any of my readers want to get ahead of the rush, feel free to send me a dollar now! That might even pay for a candy bar!