Brown Dog’s Guide to Walking Your Pet Human

For those young pups out there that have not fully  embraced that … well … YOU run the show, here are a few useful tips on proper going “walkies, potty, poop, out, for a walk, {insert your pet human’s favorite phrase here}” procedures.

When to go:

  • The best time to go is when your human is otherwise occupied (i.e. sleeping, working, watching t.v., eating, etc.)

General walking hints:

  • If your human is foolish enough to let you out the door without that infernal leash on, immediately take off after an animal of your choice. If no such animal actually presents itself, take off after it anyway. How long it takes you to return is entirely up to you and how happy you are with your human at the moment.
  • Make sure your energy level is the exact opposite of your human’s. If they seem in a hurry, walk slow. If the are casually walking, pull them, pull them HARD!
  • If it is raining, snowing, or otherwise unpleasant, walk slow unless your human is, in which case look at the previous tip.
  • If it smells good, use your magic dog skill to suddenly gain 200 lbs and firmly plant your feet.
  • If they stop, keep going. If they want you to go somewhere, make sure you go anywhere but there.
  • If you see a possible new friend (species does not matter), pull hard towards them.

When and where to go:

  • Keep it random. Don’t let your human anticipate you.
  • Sniff. If the location has the gall of not being peed or pooped on by anyone, go.
  • If there seems some indication that one should not go there, go.
  • If you have peed or pooped there before, go.
  • If a friend peed or pooped there before, go.
  • If a non-friend peed or pooped there before, go.
  • If you feel like it, go.
  • If your human insists, DON’T go.

Poop quality:

  • Examine the terrain. If it will be easy for your human to scoop it up, or it is an area that it can be left, make the poop nice and firm. If it is in an area where others walk all the time, it would be difficult to scoop up, or it would cause your human embarrassment or other difficulties, make the poop soft and squishy.

I hope you all take these tips to heart, so that you can fully enjoy your waste removal experience.