A few days ago my morning started as it always does. I woke up because for various reasons my body decided it was time to wake up. On this particular morning my reaction to waking up was one of pleasant expectation. It varies depending on the quality of my sleep, the nature of my dreams, and the weather. The mood being appropriate, I set out doing the morning rituals with energy (not always the case). These rituals include getting my self started on the day's journey and attending to Her Most Royal and Beloved Majesty, Brown Dog. Of course she has her own rituals as well. A quick(?) timeline of the morning:

• Wake up
• My 'Behind closed doors' stuff
• Bribe Brown Dog to take the medication she is currently taking
• Turn on the computer, and make sure all the tools I am likely to use during the day are current and functioning
• Stimulate my mind a bit (translation ... play some games)
• Notice Her Majesty is demanding my attention, meaning it is time to give her a Dental Chew, one of the collection of goodies that qualify as Doggy Crack
• Enjoy watching the dance of pure pleasure Brown Dog performs when I give her said yummy
• Go back to what I was doing
• Notice Her Majesty is demanding my attention, meaning it is time to go out on the deck with Brown Dog so we can "meditate" together

And so the post actually begins ...

I have seen the view to the left countless times. I have take hundreds of photos of that view ...so many that I thought there was no point in taking any more.

EPIPHANY

Stillness does not exist. Every aspect of EVERYTHING is in constant motion. On a macrocosmic scale everything is constantly moving, even if from a local perspective it does not seem so. On a microcosmic scale the 'stuff' that everything is made of is always in motion. Stillness does not exist.

What follows from this is that we can never view something the exact same way twice. Thus a new photo would be a NEW photo. Our perceptions might not agree. And so we limit ourselves.

PERSONAL STAGNATION IS A STATE OF MIND

If everything seems stale and repetitive, that is because we choose to perceive it as so. But it can't be. So we need to change our perception. How? Embrace the moment. I've said it before. The past is past, unalterable. The future is a shaping idea, not realized until its moment comes. THIS moment is the only real truth.

All of this hit me in a glorious moment of release. Suddenly all that went before was gone from my awareness, and the yet to be was ... well ... yet to be. I simply breathed in THIS moment, and it was pure bliss. Then I took out my phone/camera/whatever the hell it is and took a few NEW (new New nEw neW) pictures. The two above and a couple of Brown Dog's

MOMENTOUS DECISION

Do I lie down?

Yes. I do.

The only thing that creates equivalence between THIS moment and THAT moment is that we will be inevitably faced with a choice. The choice may be to simply be or not. Or maybe it will be more involved than that. Every choice we make determines the qualities of the next moment. This ultimately means that

EPIPHANY GROWS

EVERY choice we make is the most important decision of the moment. In other words, it is a MOMENTOUS decision in the purist sense of the word. The very NEXT moment is determined by what happens in THIS moment. This is a basic fact of existence ( at least if we have a linear view of reality. It could be that all these moments happen simultaneously, but that does not really change what I am saying here).

SIMPLIFY

Embrace THIS moment. Make MOMENTOUS decisions. Find the inherent peace and joy of doing so.

Live a momentous life.

Dad gives me dental treats every morning and I LUVS them! It would be a BAD thing if we ran out. Mom ordered some from chewy.com, and thanks to the crazy weather it got lost on the way. They sent me an email telling me, and that a new one was on the way. I sent them a reply saying I was sad they did not come, but thank you for making sure I got my yummies. They then said we are sorry you are sad, we will also refund your money. Chewey.com ROCKS!!

Happy Birthday Auntie Deb!!

The cousins came for a visit again today. Sadly, Jasper was not with them. Lizzy called him over the Rainbow Bridge this past Tuesday. We went to a park that he liked to play in, to remember him, and create some new memories as well. He was there with us in spirit!

The meanies who control this property say I have to stay on a chain. Even with such nice running weather. It's so unfair!

As some may have guessed, I am not big on rules. To me, rules, for the most part, are simply one being trying to control another being for their own purposes. Don't get me wrong, SOME structure is necessary, but even then the rules need a certain level of flexibility to do their job right. This may be why some think of me as a “libtard”, but what can a fella do?

That said, anyone who has a pet recognizes that limits need to be set and boundaries established. If too much freedom is allowed, chaos will most definitely be the word of any given day. Some rules need to be created, and to be sure that they are enforced a certain level of training must be involved. The how of the training will be different from case to case, but usually it will involve some combination of “carrot and stick”.

Personally I prefer focusing on the carrots, but that may just be my inner libtard.

With my nomadic existence, it was only a matter of time before I found myself with a non-human companion. Brown Dog (aptly named because she is brown-ish and a dog) is very smart, and has a very distinct personality. If stubbornness is a positive character trait, she is a veritable saint. Since I kind of can be described in a similar fashion (except for the brown-ish dog part), it became apparent fairly quickly that training would definitely need to come into play.

Distasteful as it may be for me, sometimes punishment is necessary, but usually it is no more than an expression of displeasure. Usually offering reward ... or denying it as may be needed, is sufficient. Thanks to diligent and efficient training,a routine of sorts has been established, and chaos has definitely been kept at bay.

Yep, Brown Dog has firmly established where and when I can sleep, what and when I can eat, and when and for how long I am permitted to do my own thing. She even regulates my exercise, letting me know when I can walk and / or play, and for how long. My failure to comply results in severe punishment ... usually being pestered every ten minutes with either over the top cuteness or simple barking and staring until I do as told. Occasionally I may actually be rewarded with a treat, such as some peace for enough time to watch ONE T.V. show unhindered, or maybe room to sleep all stretched out, but it is rare. She is a pretty tough trainer.

Sometimes rules DO make for peaceful living. At least for the one who sets the rules!

Day one of #22pushups for #22KILL, with a little help >>>

To see me actually DO the push ups, click here.

I have an Adonis-like physique. In the interest of modesty, and to keep groupies from invading my peaceful neighborhood (translation ... wake the dead), I cleverly mask said physique with a mass of flesh that is the envy of even the fittest of pears. How do I maintain my glorious figure? First there is my intense guided workout ... The Brown Dog Fitness Program (← a blatant plug for one of my other blogs). Second I carefully watch what I eat. I watch it as it leaves the plate, closet, ' fridge, and continue to watch it until it enters my mouth. With such a rigorous health plan, it is unsurprising that I am the poster boy for Couch Potato Weekly.

I am bringing my brag on because I did not realize how effective my efforts have been. Due to some local road work that promises to be eternal, during peak travel time traffic is rerouted to side streets ... specifically the one that I usually find myself on during my tri-daily harvesting of dog poop. Being a nice, quiet domestic neighborhood, it practically screams, "Embrace your inner racing demon!" In the interest of public safety (or maybe just for personal record keeping) the wise powers that be ... instead of actually speeding up the construction project, thus re-rerouting the traffic ... has placed one of those signs that tells one how fast they are going. No doubt this sign will fill these speed demons with remorse so that they change their evil ways.

So there I am, walking at a leisurely pace (when not being dragged one way or another by Brown Dog), and I see this new addition to the street decor. It specifically catches my eye because it seems to be registering me. Walking. I glance over my shoulder, to make sure there is no car creeping along behind me, but no ... B. D. and I are the only objects moving towards the sign. It kind of surprised me that the sign actually registered a walking pace. It even surprised me more that it told me I was walking at 8 miles an hour. I would have said it was a fluke, except it has happened every time I've walked by the sign now. It varies from 5 to 9 m. p. h., but seems to settle at 8 most often.

Apparently I have been vastly improving my fitness without even realizing it. Sure it is not inconceivable for a human to move at that pace. It is not even fast. But it does require actually ... well ... RUNNING. Not ambling along in glorious apathy. I can only explain my taking a half an hour to walk our average mile walk (2 m. p. h. by MY math) as my failure to adapt to the new math, because there is no way the technology would LIE to me.

As I continue to hide from all things social, it becomes more and more difficult to collect humorous anecdotes. Add to that the basic fact that humanity, especially that particular section of humanity that likes to call itself American has gone so far off the plot that NOT laughing at them may be a considered a mortal sin in certain areas, and the competition for guffaws is beyond me. But despite my general flip-flopping between unquenchable laughter and horror at what humanity is threatening to become, I still manage to encounter the occasional more mundane giggle-worth moment.

My social life these days has been reduced to catering to my one and only companion, Brown Dog. Her blog has also been on the quieter side lately, as her adventures are sadly tied to MY adventures ... or lack thereof. She has had to settle for the life of a house dog, complete with leash controlled walks, a regulated diet, and such routine and unwelcome concepts as regular visits to the vet. I don't think she is any more into that life than I am. That said, her most recent visit to the vet generated the need for a ... gasp ...

... urine sample.

Between Murphy's Law, lack of aim, performance anxiety, and volume control issues, I question my ability to get my OWN sample for the doc. So imagine the scenarios that popped into my head upon hearing I needed to procure one from my dog. They told us that we could pick up a "kit" to make things easier. I had a tough time imagining what this kit could entail. Was it some sort of clever diaper with a bottle? B. D. is amenable to clothing, but there may be limits. Maybe some crazy pump creation? Would I need training to complete my task? Mom got the kit, and it was simply a plastic tray and a bottle. Simple and basic concept, easy to do under ideal conditions.

It was obviously designed by someone who has never actually walked a dog.

Since my life these days basically revolves around walking B. D., I realized that I would have to plan my campaign carefully. I spent a few days studying my copy of Sun Tzu's The Art of War, and despite the wisdom learned there, there was not very much that seemed directly pertinent to obtaining urine samples from canines. So I basically realized that I would just have to wing it. It would take excellent timing, lightning reflexes, and a fair amount of luck. In short my chances of success were practically nil.

When walking, Brown Dog loves to randomly stop, if she is not randomly running ahead. In both cases, she generally does some body shifting on me worthy of a chiropractor. The random stops will mostly be for sniffing, but it might be for bladder release ... whether for relief, marking ownership, or simply cuz she can is immaterial. It WILL be without warning. This is the doggy equivalent of social networking. Though she seldom gives warning of a pending pee, there are certain areas that have a higher likelihood of it happening (such as right in front of the Keep Dogs of the Grass sign on the property).However, Brown Dog, being actually a mischievous faerie being in disguise, decided it was time to shake up the "routine", and started watering a whole new collection of dry spots ... some without even a prior sniff. She also made sure to frequently pick terrain that was NOT conducive to sliding a plastic tray under her nether regions.

She IS a tricky one.

To cut this overlong anecdote short (primarily because the denouement is actually NOT all that funny ... sorry to disappoint), I managed to get the requisite sample thanks to B. D. being half asleep on her walk the other morning, thus not up to par in her mischievous ways. Not exactly a PMSL moment, but we take what we can get!

With spring threatening (pretending?) to appear, it is time for those of us who have been seduced by the winter season to work of those pesky inches that holiday food and hiding from the snow puts on. At least that's what my human claims. But I have noticed since we have gotten back from our wanderings, he has expanded a bit. I have taken it upon myself to establish a workout routine that should have him ready to keep up with me once out in the world again. Those of you who have less than energetic humans might like some of my techniques.

• Sunrise (or earlier) Wake up your slothful human (if necessary). Make it evident how badly you need to go walkies. Prance around until your human has put their skin on and taken you out the door. Then be sure to tug your human at a pace that will pull them along. Once they match that pace, stop short frequently, being sure to put serious pressure on their shoulder sockets. How many times should you do this? There are a lot of factors. The crappier the weather, the more times you should do it. The more tired your human, the more times. In both those situations, make sure that it takes longer. This would be a good time to go if you actually have to go.
• Sunrise + 1/2 hour Insist on playing with your human. Make sure you do it loudly and all over the house, so your human needs to chase you around. Maybe you will wake the other humans too so they can benefit. Don't push to hard, let your human rest for a bit after this.
• Breakfast time Wake up your slothful human (if necessary). Make it evident how badly you need to go walkies. Prance around until your human has put their skin on and taken you out the door. Then be sure to tug your human at a pace that will pull them along. Once they match that pace, stop short frequently, being sure to put serious pressure on their shoulder sockets. How many times should you do this? There are a lot of factors. The crappier the weather, the more times you should do it. The more tired your human, the more times. In both those situations, make sure that it takes longer. This would be a good time to go if you actually have to go.
• After Breakfast  Every 10-15 minutes, insist on getting your human's attention, no matter what they are doing. Make sure you are completely unclear on what it is you actually want, but don't leave them alone until they follow you around trying to figure out what it is.
• Early afternoon Wake up your slothful human (if necessary). Make it evident how badly you need to go walkies. Prance around until your human has put their skin on and taken you out the door. Then be sure to tug your human at a pace that will pull them along. Once they match that pace, stop short frequently, being sure to put serious pressure on their shoulder sockets. How many times should you do this? There are a lot of factors. The crappier the weather, the more times you should do it. The more tired your human, the more times. In both those situations, make sure that it takes longer. This would be a good time to go if you actually have to go.
• Rest of the day Every 10-15 minutes, insist on getting your human's attention, no matter what they are doing. Make sure you are completely unclear on what it is you actually want, but don't leave them alone until they follow you around trying to figure out what it is.

Follow this routine, and in no time you will have a fit human you will be proud to have by your side in public.

*Hints for diet ... to make sure your human is eating well, only eat what they eat. Don't let the get away with giving you anything else. Be careful, they can be stubborn about this.

How to make the most of a trying life ...

• It never (rarely?) hurts to ask.


• If the answer is no ... ask again.


• If the answer is still no ... see previous tip.


• When all else fails, look cute.


• If the answer is still no, go to sleep.


• If you are hungry, it is time to eat. See first tip.


• If you have to go, you have to go. See first tip.


• When you are not eating, pooping or sleeping ... PLAY!


• NOTHING is so urgent that you can't stop and smell the flowers (and the air, and the grass, and the tree, and the sidewalk, and the fire hydrant, and the ... just smell anything worth smelling)!

When to go:

• The best time to go is when your human is otherwise occupied (i.e. sleeping, working, watching t.v., eating, etc.)

General walking hints:

• If your human is foolish enough to let you out the door without that infernal leash on, immediately take off after an animal of your choice. If no such animal actually presents itself, take off after it anyway. How long it takes you to return is entirely up to you and how happy you are with your human at the moment.


• Make sure your energy level is the exact opposite of your human's. If they seem in a hurry, walk slow. If the are casually walking, pull them, pull them HARD!


• If it is raining, snowing, or otherwise unpleasant, walk slow unless your human is, in which case look at the previous tip.


• If it smells good, use your magic dog skill to suddenly gain 200 lbs and firmly plant your feet.


• If they stop, keep going. If they want you to go somewhere, make sure you go anywhere but there.


• If you see a possible new friend (species does not matter), pull hard towards them.


• Sniff EVERYTHING.

When and where to go:

• Keep it random. Don't let your human anticipate you.


• Sniff. If the location has the gall of not being peed or pooped on by anyone, go.


• If there seems some indication that one should not go there, go.


• If you have peed or pooped there before, go.


• If a friend peed or pooped there before, go.


• If a non-friend peed or pooped there before, go.


• If you feel like it, go.


• If your human insists, DON'T go.

Poop quality:

• Examine the terrain. If it will be easy for your human to scoop it up, or it is an area that it can be left, make the poop nice and firm. If it is in an area where others walk all the time, it would be difficult to scoop up, or it would cause your human embarrassment or other difficulties, make the poop soft and squishy.

[custom-facebook-feed]