Urine the money

As I continue to hide from all things social, it becomes more and more difficult to collect humorous anecdotes. Add to that the basic fact that humanity, especially that particular section of humanity that likes to call itself American has gone so far off the plot that NOT laughing at them may be a considered a mortal sin in certain areas, and the competition for guffaws is beyond me. But despite my general flip-flopping between unquenchable laughter and horror at what humanity is threatening to become, I still manage to encounter the occasional more mundane giggle-worth moment.

My social life these days has been reduced to catering to my one and only companion, Brown Dog. Her blog has also been on the quieter side lately, as her adventures are sadly tied to MY adventures … or lack thereof. She has had to settle for the life of a house dog, complete with leash controlled walks, a regulated diet, and such routine and unwelcome concepts as regular visits to the vet. I don’t think she is any more into that life than I am. That said, her most recent visit to the vet generated the need for a … gasp …

… urine sample.

Between Murphy’s Law, lack of aim, performance anxiety, and volume control issues, I question my ability to get my OWN sample for the doc. So imagine the scenarios that popped into my head upon hearing I needed to procure one from my dog. They told us that we could pick up a “kit” to make things easier. I had a tough time imagining what this kit could entail. Was it some sort of clever diaper with a bottle? B. D. is amenable to clothing, but there may be limits. Maybe some crazy pump creation? Would I need training to complete my task? Mom got the kit, and it was simply a plastic tray and a bottle. Simple and basic concept, easy to do under ideal conditions.

It was obviously designed by someone who has never actually walked a dog.

Since my life these days basically revolves around walking B. D., I realized that I would have to plan my campaign carefully. I spent a few days studying my copy of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, and despite the wisdom learned there, there was not very much that seemed directly pertinent to obtaining urine samples from canines. So I basically realized that I would just have to wing it. It would take excellent timing, lightning reflexes, and a fair amount of luck. In short my chances of success were practically nil.

When walking, Brown Dog loves to randomly stop, if she is not randomly running ahead. In both cases, she generally does some body shifting on me worthy of a chiropractor. The random stops will mostly be for sniffing, but it might be for bladder release … whether for relief, marking ownership, or simply cuz she can is immaterial. It WILL be without warning. This is the doggy equivalent of social networking. Though she seldom gives warning of a pending pee, there are certain areas that have a higher likelihood of it happening (such as right in front of the Keep Dogs of the Grass sign on the property).However, Brown Dog, being actually a mischievous faerie being in disguise, decided it was time to shake up the “routine”, and started watering a whole new collection of dry spots … some without even a prior sniff. She also made sure to frequently pick terrain that was NOT conducive to sliding a plastic tray under her nether regions.

She IS a tricky one.

To cut this overlong anecdote short (primarily because the denouement is actually NOT all that funny … sorry to disappoint), I managed to get the requisite sample thanks to B. D. being half asleep on her walk the other morning, thus not up to par in her mischievous ways. Not exactly a PMSL moment, but we take what we can get!