“Settle down people! I know this is exciting, but we need to get started. I am glad so many PEOPLE have joined us to hear the plan for our new great Godly nation. So let us begin! “

The tumultuous crowd settled a bit, consolidating there excited focus on The Speaker instead of each other.

“This is the preamble: We The People …”

With those words, the energy level jumped again. Many voices exclaimed in excitement at the same time. A few caught the orator’s attention, causing him to pause and look around.

Woman: “Ooooh this is so exciting!“
Person of color: “I can’t wait for this!”
Poor person: “Things are going to change for the better now!”

“Just a moment please!” Summoning an assistant, The Speaker whispered, “who let the livestock in? They should be removed immediately! This is not for them!”

The assistant immediately signaled to roughs and toughs at the various entrances, indicating that said undesirables should be removed instantly. The rest of the crowd looked on with quite a few nods of approval mixed with laughter. Shortly the only faces to be seen were wealthy elder Caucasian gentleman and their various collections of correctly pigmented male sycophants and thugs.

One of the guardian thugs approached. “Sir, there is an acceptable looking foreign gentleman at the door who wishes to join, should we let him in? He is here with his pregnant wife.”

“If he fills out the proper paperwork and has money, he may join us. If he has lots of money, then the paperwork is optional. His wife, of course, cannot, but her unborn child is welcome too.”

A short, rather unpleasant tussle later …

“Let me begin again. We the People, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense …”

At this point, several more voices were raised, again causing The Speaker to pause. “Is there a problem gentlemen?” he asked with mild annoyance.

“We have something to say about that!” one man proclaimed with heat, and many applauded, the loudest being the roughs and toughs.

The Speaker nodded. Looking around at the sea of patriarchal arrogant whiteness before him he said, “Of course! Everyone HERE has the right to say whatever they desire. That is part of the new plan!”

His assistant cleared his throat. “Um sir, we haven’t actually included that in the document.”

The Speaker looked nonplussed for the moment. then he said, “A mere oversight. we expected there might be a few changes as suggested by the PEOPLE before us. We’ll just call this the first amendment.” Scribbling a note on a piece of paper, he continued, “So sir, what is it you wanted to say?”

“With regards to the common defense, I think we all need guns …”

AND SO BEGAN A JOURNEY INTO THE ABSURD.

The post A more perfect union? first appeared on thrumyeyes.

Headaches fell into the rarity category for me. If I got them, it was almost always because I somehow maltreated myself, such as doing  my best to empty all the bottles in a bar or trying for records in sleep deprivation. So when I suddenly had a rather intense (definitely on the migraine side of the affliction) headache that lasted a week, despite living a chaste and quiet life of late, it seemed likely that something in the old bod needed a bit of tuning up. I swallowed  anything left of my pride and went to ye old human body mechanic. They did the required poking and prodding, and came to the conclusion that … dun, dun, dunnnn …

… I had a headache. Why I had a headache was as much a mystery to the doc (technically Nurse Practitioner) as it was to me, since there are about as many different causes for headaches as there are stars in the sky (very slight exaggeration). Further testing was suggested, and some pain killers to help with the actual ACHE part of the issue were prescribed.. The pain killers helped, but they had the standard long list of possible side effects, top of the list being …  well … headaches. The MRI was done with little difficulty, the only exception being the resultant headache. It revealed that I had a sinus infection, so I was given some antibiotics, with a long list of side effects that included headaches. The antibiotics had little effect, prompting a visit to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist, who verified that I had an infection, though the infection seemed in the wrong place for my headache. So he put me on an even stronger antibiotic, with similar warnings and results as the first one.

By this time, the intensity and persistence of this demon headache had significantly lessened, so I decided that I would call it a day and just take Tylenol when the monster returned, which it was now doing frequently. For the next few weeks I had an uneasy alliance with the creature that insists on inhabiting my cranial space, and life went back to what passes for normal to me. Just a few days ago, I went to see the doc for the semi-annual emissions testing (I got my new sticker with no issues), and mentioned that the headache demon had taken up permanent residence, though Tylenol seemed to mostly keep him from partying it up. Doc kindly informed me that there is this wonderful phenomenon that occurs when you take too many quick pain relief meds to deal with headaches … namely something called Rebound Headaches … so I should probably stop taking the Tylenol.

Let’s recap. Headaches are when the head part of us … well … aches. There are a gazillion reasons for headaches. Tests to isolate the reason might result in headaches. There are medicines to help headaches, which usually have headaches as a possible side effect. Quick working painkillers that will stop headache pain can result in having rebound headaches, so it is best to NOT take said painkillers to avoid getting a headache as a result of making your headache feel better.

Moral of this story: the best cure for a headache is to not have one in the first place.

The post A cure for headaches first appeared on thrumyeyes.

Unfortunately, as much as it sounds like I am describing a video game, we rarely have the option to reset when those challenges don’t go the way we choose.

As we get older and more experienced, we will often find that these tools get lost, or broken. Sometimes they are repairable, or maybe replaceable, but until the repairs / replacements are managed, we might find that certain tasks that were on the lowest difficulty level might suddenly be quite the opposite.

Needless to say, this can be quite frustrating.

Technology being the scary monster evolving being that it is, the repairs / replacement can be quite frightening impressive, and we might find facing our various challenges quite different. We night also find that the repairs / replacements are a challenge in themselves. Get a flat tire, replace the tire … mundane. Lose an arm, replace the arm … kind of neat but takes adjustment. Lose something more critical, like a cell phone or maybe your heart or something like that … now we are talking serious heebie jeebies.

A while back, I lost my colon. This, as you may guess, has caused me some serious difficulties. What’s more, it seems to be causing other things to fail. I have tried the repair option to no avail, and lack the means to replace. Now with the other pending losses, I am truly at a … well … loss. I am not sure how I will continue to function, and fear what the future holds. I have searched google, and while it offers some temporary solutions, they will not work in the long run.

I mean seriously, how is a writer supposed to get anything done without a colon, let alone a semi-colon. And now my quotes are giving me trouble. I might have to start a Go Fund Me campaign soon!!

The post A tough colonectomy first appeared on thrumyeyes.

That said, anyone who has a pet recognizes that limits need to be set and boundaries established. If too much freedom is allowed, chaos will most definitely be the word of any given day. Some rules need to be created, and to be sure that they are enforced a certain level of training must be involved. The how of the training will be different from case to case, but usually it will involve some combination of “carrot and stick”.

Personally I prefer focusing on the carrots, but that may just be my inner libtard.

With my nomadic existence, it was only a matter of time before I found myself with a non-human companion. Brown Dog (aptly named because she is brown-ish and a dog) is very smart, and has a very distinct personality. If stubbornness is a positive character trait, she is a veritable saint. Since I kind of can be described in a similar fashion (except for the brown-ish dog part), it became apparent fairly quickly that training would definitely need to come into play.

Distasteful as it may be for me, sometimes punishment is necessary, but usually it is no more than an expression of displeasure. Usually offering reward … or denying it as may be needed, is sufficient. Thanks to diligent and efficient training,a routine of sorts has been established, and chaos has definitely been kept at bay.

Yep, Brown Dog has firmly established where and when I can sleep, what and when I can eat, and when and for how long I am permitted to do my own thing. She even regulates my exercise, letting me know when I can walk and / or play, and for how long. My failure to comply results in severe punishment … usually being pestered every ten minutes with either over the top cuteness or simple barking and staring until I do as told. Occasionally I may actually be rewarded with a treat, such as some peace for enough time to watch ONE T.V. show unhindered, or maybe room to sleep all stretched out, but it is rare. She is a pretty tough trainer.

Sometimes rules DO make for peaceful living. At least for the one who sets the rules!

The post Dog Training first appeared on thrumyeyes.

As we grow way from normal, face to face human interactions, it seems we find it more and more difficult to actually find safe conversation starters with people we don’t really know too well. I say this, but realize that it really has nothing to do with the desoicalization trends of technology. I am just grasping at another chance to shout from my soap box. The truth is I think this may actually be something genetically coded into humans.

There are so many topics two people can explore, no matter how well they know each other. The thing is, many of these topics are ripe with emotional context, and basically an invitation to battle. It’s one thing if you are talking with your BFF’s or your family members. Then battle is perfectly acceptable, depending on your specific relationship. But the average, peace-loving individual may want to steer clear of these subjects when circumstance force us to actually TALK to people we don’t know very well. For instance, if you are walking your dog, and the pesky critter insists on dragging you to that other guy over there, walking HIS dog, what do you say to each other. Do you discuss the dogs? For a moment, mainly out of sheer embarrassment. But it gets awkward leaving it there, so the need to extend the conversation … you know actually have an END point, compels you to say more. Do you discuss politics? Danger, Will Robinson!!. Maybe religion. Don’t even go there!! How about sports? That could make the other two topics look like a love fest. So what WOULD be a safe topic?

Then the answer hits you. It is right there all along … and all the time. The safest topic in the world, one which can be discussed with ANYONE, and even if there is some disagreement will end any conversation smoothly … and more importantly …  PEACEFULLY. So you pick your phrase, and all is well with the world. “How could you not enjoy a day as beautiful as this?” Or maybe, “I can’t believe it is so cold?” Or any of a whole list of any other trite but accurate comments about the weather, some positive, some negative. The other guy gives an appropriate response, which may or may not actually relate to what you said, and you both go on about your business, potential disaster averted.

Lesson of the day … if you are not sure what to say, just mention the weather.

The post Weather or not … first appeared on thrumyeyes.

It has been a recent irony in my life that our Healthcare System (which truly is a huge joke in this country) probably causes me more medical issues than hedonistic living … mostly due to the stress of dealing with it. Fortunately for you guys … that is not what I am going to relate. But it does allow me the segue into prescription writing stories.

It is commonly understood that poor handwriting is part of medical training (just like asking us if everything is ok when our mouth is full is part of wait-staff training). It makes sense since our concept of good healthcare revolves around how many drugs we can get into our system (the legal ones of course). We are given keys to obtain these drugs. To ensure we don’t actually know what we are putting into our bodies, there are mult-levels of security in place ; big, unintelligible words written in such a way that only the highest trained personnel can read it. We call these keys prescriptions.

Recently it was suggested to my mom that she should get a certain vaccine. Vaccines are a dubious creation that may or may not actually do anything for anyone, may or may not actually cause HARM to folk, and definitely make money for someone who is NOT US. Typically prescriptions are not required for these thingies, thought they might be issued so one does not accidentally get the wrong bit of questionable chemical creations in their system. In mom’s case, she was not issued a prescription, just the name of the vaccine on a piece of paper.

The writer of this particular note obviously got poor grades in Prescription Writing 101, because it is actually very legible. But they did not fail completely, for when my mom asked for Prevnar B she was greeted with a confused look, followed by the question: “Do you mean Prevnar 13?”

Who comes up with these names anyway?

The post Handwriting analysis first appeared on thrumyeyes.

I know, I know, many cannot imagine such a thing.

The internet changed the world in many ways. For instance, back in the day, one could actually forgive ignorance, because some people simply did not have the knowledge available to them to actually LEARN. Now that we have knowledge at our beckoning, just with a few wiggling fingers or even a verbal question, people get to CHOOSE to be ignorant. Why actually learn when you can find information that will back up what you WANT to believe just like that. We are no longer forced to accept our lack of knowledge because of lack of opportunity. Now we can simply make the choice to be dumb asses!

But this is not the ONLY advantage the internet has given us. Now people who have never left their home or experienced anything else can easily claim to know everything about everything, simply because they visited a link. They can also prove that everything they don’t want to hear is propaganda or lies because … well … somebody else said so. We can know what we are supposed to look like, since it is so easy to share photoshopped pictures now. And we can be sure to buy just about EVERYTHING we do not need, because we can.

Yep, the internet has done wonders for us.

I want to share a few things I have learned recently, thanks to this endless resource:

• Virgins males that have never seen anything outside of their village and who are trained from birth that sex is a sin know EVERYTHING there is to know about woman. Especially woman from a culture they have never directly encountered.
• If it is written on a picture it is true. The more shocking the picture, the more true it is.
• ALL quotes come from Gandhi, Albert Einstein, or George Carlin. Unless it comes from some religious document or other.
• It is ALWAYS someone else’s fault. Whatever IT is.
• The US is the root of all evil. Unless of course you are FROM the US, in which case it is most likely somebody semitic.
• All celebrities are wise and knowledgeable.

I am sure I will have much more to learn, but  with these definitive facts, what more do I NEED to know?

The post What I have learned in recent weeks. first appeared on thrumyeyes.

… FADS.

Now this is not really a completely new concept, but it seems fads now take on the same quality as most social interactions do these days, i.e. a picture with a few words to be shared on a social site. One of the more horrifying … er … um … seasonal fads of recent years is the wonderful Elf on a Shelf concept. It somehow seems appropriate in this day and age of everyone screaming for privacy and hiding from Big Brother, that we develop a sort of worship for a creepy little elf that likes to randomly appear in the oddest places, simply to stare down at us and make us shiver … I mean to entertain the social network masses in pictures.

Some of the pictures do manage to be a bit on the humorous side, I will grudgingly admit.

My sister found a recent one irresistible enough to share. My mother, who is now a FB junkie thanks to my tutelage, saw the picture and got a kick out of it. Ironically, what she saw and what my sister saw was truly … exact opposites. It is almost refreshing to know that civility and a pure mind still exist, even if it comes from an earlier time. Our modern society has become entirely TOO cynical, and our minds find it rather difficult to imagine life without a gutter, let alone VISIT said life. The photo in question:

My mother thought it was cute and laughable how the elf was eating the chocolate off the cookies one at a time and moving backwards. It almost seemed heartless to tell her that to we corrupted souls of newer generations, it was pretty much the flip side of that.

What do YOU see?

The post Our corrupt "youth" first appeared on thrumyeyes.

Some might wonder why I would be sharing this on a blog devoted to humor. Because humor was the essence of my dad. He is directly responsible for MY sense of humor, so if you like it you can thank him. Otherwise it is ALL HIS FAULT. Now I can’t say we always saw eye to eye, especially after I grew a few inches taller than him, but if we had friction it was most likely because we were so much alike. As anyone who knew dad their finest memories of him, and they would always involve his bright smile and willingness to laugh. So what better place to honor his memory than a blog devoted to humor.

I was trying to think of good humorous anecdotes to share here, and found out it was tough  … to single any specific ones out. Most of the memories I hold of him revolve around laughter, often to the point of tears. But suddenly I think of the first time he took me and my sisters to an "R" rated movie. we were all "under" age, especially for the movie he took us to. I am PRETTY sure he really did not know what Animal House was all about. But you could never be sure with him.

Or there was the time that dad first encountered my pierced ear. This happened in a time where guys only got pierced ears to make a statement (isn’t it funny how yesterday’s rebellion becomes today’s fashion statement), and dad did not even want my SISTERS to pierce their ears. Even when he was pissed he maintained his sense of humor.

I also gained my fashion sense from dad. No clothing was unwearable unless it was so torn that it could no longer maintain the shape of the original piece of clothing. And nothing was too embarrassing to wear in public. We would compete for the goofiest hat every time we did any kind of outdoor activity.

So here I am, sitting at the bar, raising a glass of top shelf scotch, having a drink with dad. Or I would be if the bartender remembers that I ordered it. Apparently she was shocked by me actually ordering something "GOOD". But this is something dad would have loved to drink, and he trained me right. Ah there it is!

Cheers dad! Keep on laughing! It makes the world a better place!

The post Toast to a laughing man first appeared on thrumyeyes.

That said, something about the alleged sport seems to go in hand in hand with humorous anecdotes. Fortunately, this time it all happened to someone else, but thanks to Facebook, I have a true to life golfing tale in the words of the poor sod (← is that a good golfing pun?) who lived through it. I had me laughing, and I feel no shame whatsoever in sharing it with others. I will keep Tim’s name anonymous to protect the innocent. The following were his "anonymous" posts throughout the day:

• Sentimental moment:I’m going golfing for the first time ever. I’m using my dads clubs (he’s been gone almost 10 years). I’m nervous because I’ve never golfed anymore than hitting the balls at the driving range.I start looking through all the golf bag pockets and what do I find? Golf shoes, a golf glove, extra spikes, balls, tees, and basically the confidence that I will at least have the right attire and equipment.I think I’ll throw away the 10 year old water bottle though!Thanks dad for leaving me a good time today and some great memories…

  I miss you so much….

• At crosswinds in Plymouth…. This should be f**kin hilarious!
• I feel like the fat kid in gym class who gets picked last….I’m odd man out… In the cart alone…
• Just hit some practice shots….BAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!
• Hole 1 – I lost three balls and could not finish the hole after 9 shots due to being too slow.Hole 2&3 – natural 9’sHole 4 (be ready to laugh uncontrollably) it’s hit as hell and I’m sweaty…. I tee off… The ball goes one way and the club flys another… Slipped right out of my hand…. Embarrassed I look for it through the thick brush only to find it up in a tree 15 feet up… I had to climb the tree to get it…. Came back to the tee to try again (1rt shot was lost) lost two more ale before saying screw it… In skipping this hole…FML
• Double bogie on 7 if you exclude a duff….
• Hey Tim… What’s your handicap???Golf!!!
• Crap… Sand….
• Yup… Couldn’t get out of the sand….9th hole done….I quit!!!
• Let them finish the back 9… I’m going swimming….

I have to admit I am rethinking my stance on golf after this. There must be SOME benefit in something that can cause that level of real life comedy!

By the way, now that I have your attention (if in fact I have ANYONE’s attention), it seems like a good chance to put a gratuitous plug in for my newest site that is aimed at stripping money from you … er … um … helping people get fit and MAYBE allowing me to earn a few buck. Please take pity on a guy and take a wander over there

The post The terrors of golf first appeared on thrumyeyes.