It’s eerie how I can write the most incredible and awe-inspiring post in my head in mere seconds, only to lose all ability to write when I try to convert it to text. This is one of those kind of posts. I have anticipate this post; maybe even dreaded it, for a long time. It was bound to happen. The question always has been… when? I guess when is now. Or part of when is now anyway.
About now, anyone who stumbled by here is wondering: when will this Idiot actually SAY something? What is this big reveal he is clumsily dancing around? Get on with it already! Stop stalling! OK. OK. I’ll just come right out and say … I have no clue what I am wanting to say.
It seems that I too have become a spectator for my life.
For those of you who have been following this adventure from the beginning, I am surprised as you to say we may all have been wrong about this journey’s destination. It started as a way for for two men who have been knocked askew by life to regain a sense of self and the world. Gradually a sense of purpose was added to that list. The character of the adventure has morphed before our eyes, but one theme held common … the ultimate physical destination is Katahdin. Wanna be thru-hiker -> walker -> painful hiker -> “thru-hiker” -> explorer of Appalachia -> explorer of realities -> ???
I am not sure I ever was just intending to do a long hike. I have gone walk about.
I have very long-windedly gotten to the point (I think). I am torn about the next step of my journey. This area I have stalled in is a gateway to the Land of What If? There are so many directions I can go right now that even my rather broad imagination can’t encompass all the possibilities. Ironically, the lands I can’t imagine are the ones I want to explore.
Forces are pulling me in many directions. Big deal. That is life. But right now these forces are pulling so strongly in opposite directions that I feel it in the center of my soul. The black hole pull of the unknown is countered by the chains of other’s expectations (the strongest chains no doubt my own PERCEPTION of other’s expectations), while the me that I want to be, the me that I think I am, and the me that IS fight for dominance.
What’s next for me? I truly do not know. I am blind at a crossroad, and cannot even FEEL where to put my feet next. I have found more truth and honesty in the fringes of humanity than anywhere in that manufactured reality we call the mainstream. Every time I hear news of THAT world, it screams in pain. A pain I have no power to heal. “What is in it for me?” has replaced Right Action. Having for the sake of having has replaced compassion. And the “appearance” of right has replaced actual morality. That is the world I am trying to gain freedom from. Yet the only way to do this right now is to cut ties that should not be cut. Follow the heart? Follow the mind? Follow the soul? Or find the eye of the storm where all three meet?
What’s next for me?
Hey Buddy……….. My only two-cents that I can add in would be…………. Don’t leave any regrets behind. I mean, whatever path you choose, don’t make it to where you are regretting not taking the “other” path later on down the road. You only live once. Listen to your heart and the feeling in your gut. Don’t base any decisions on what effect it might have on others or what others might think. It’s your life and your life alone. Go down the path that your heart and gut are pulling you towards. 🙂
I have to learn to hear my own voice among the multitude. But wise words my friend. It seems this idea has taken both of us into the realm of alternate paths 😉
Strange how things work out. If I had been able to make the trip, who knows what might have happened. We might still be trudging north, or we might have quit weeks ago. All I know is that you did make the trip and seem to have fallen into a true life-changing experience. I was forced to look elsewhere to find something to fill the void in my life and somehow came across painting. As with everything in life, life is full of “what if’s”. What if I had never discovered painting because I was instead hiking the trail? What if your original hiking partner had not had a heart attack and totally changed your plans right on the first day on the trail? What if you had decided to quit and go home at that point? I can’t wait to hear what you story has become. The FULL story with all the details! 🙂
I have commented recently on how being too focused on a goal may make us miss what we really need to aim for. That is why I am choosing the path before me instead of the one on the map I carry.
I echo Mark: he puts it so well. A scary but also an exciting point in your life. I long to hear where this is going to end. Good luck:)
I too can’t wait to see where I end up! Thanks 🙂
When I’ve been lost on a walk sometimes there’s a sparkle (a kind of twinkle) that shows me the way home. I think much the same can be said for other aspects of life, so I’d say follow the path of highest vibration that you feel. Sometimes you have to ask for help too and not just from family and friends… btw both photos are lovely.
Wise advice and kind words. Thank you!! 😀
True to my nature of looking at and thinking of other things when being spoken to …. You look TRULY HAPPY in the full-bearded photo !!!! (Mark speaks wise words for the most part …..)
Yes he does!! I was a lot more tired in the trimmed pic 🙂
You’re welcome Mr sweet cheeks 🙂
Take time to meditate alone, someplace where when the inner voice speaks you’ll hear it clearly. While some paths are harder to acknowledge as what needs to be done, listen to the inner voice and let it direct you to the first step. The journey of a thousand steps begins with one fearful one, that first step is filled with all the apprehension and fear you have but also filled with the hope and wonder of whats to come.
Many cultures believe in the journey that separates the one who started it from the one who finished it. A rite of passage, or a spiritual awakening. It sounds like you are at the precipice of that moment of who you had been and who you will be. No matter what you decide, you have to first acknowledge that you will never again be the man who began this journey, you must look forward and accept that whichever path you take you will take that first step as a new person.
Good advice, yet surprisingly difficult to follow at the moment haha. I am already a different man, bit the change is far from done. It’s gonna be interesting!