What does your happiness look like?

What does your happiness look like?

A wise woman

The last couple weeks have been downright enlightening for me.

Let me back up even more. I have been struggling (again?) for a while now. Nothing new to someone who has way to much time on their hands to simply think. My current (constant?) dilemma is finding (creating?) a meaning for my life … or more accurately for life in general. It is by no means a new or original thought, but I firmly believe life has no specific meaning. Much of humanity cannot grasp or accept this thought, so we create explanations that give us comfort and ease the fear such randomness generates. We create cosmic scapegoats called gods. We assign polarity to everything and call it good vs evil, then make ourselves feel important by assuming we are on the “right” side of this faux polarity. And all too many of us let OTHERS decide what determines good vs evil in the first place, giving up our own capacity for self determination.

This type of thinking has resulted in the world we live in today. A world being shattered by divisiveness and fear, often in the name of a purpose assigned by SOMEONE ELSE. And too many of us don’t even know what it is we actually seek. What IS our purpose after all? Why are we even here? Many of us avoid the question altogether (at least on a conscious level). It is so much easier not to even ask. That guy over there has a compelling answer. I’ll just go with that one.

For a long time now it has been clear to me that the each and every one of us is nothing more than a minuscule collection of energy in the mysterious vastness we call the universe. On a cosmic level, we leave no discernible impact. Those choices we struggle with at any given moment really mean nothing in this immensity. We are nothing but a infinitesimal spark in an ongoing infinite energetic explosion. In other words, our lives really have no meaning. At least a meaning we are capable of understanding.

I am not preaching nihilism here. In fact it is quite the opposite. Since to me there is no set meaning, it is evidently up to each of us to make our own. We each need to decide what we will choose to value, and how we can bring that value to life in a way that allows us to embrace our existence.

This has been my struggle. I lost track of what I value. I have simply been going through the motions, wondering why I bother at all. It all seemed so pointless that I really just craved oblivion. I am not saying I sought death. Just wanted off the ride. It was fun while it lasted, but I am done with it now. This lack of inertia had me not getting enough sleep and simply not really taking care of myself. Then memorial day weekend came and I sought further escape. Let it all go. Have some meaningless fun and just enjoy. That food was good. The couple of beers hit just right. That hit was a deep one. yes it will all go away …

And suddenly I faced an epiphany driven choice …

I (WE) am the creator of my own reality. This is a simple fact. If I (WE) do not like the current reality, just change it. Also a simple fact. So my choice was do I just give up altogether and fade away? Or come back to the reality I (WE) choose. I chose to come back …

… and ended up in the emergency room. Which opened the door for a new journey of self … discovery? … no … CREATION. Ultimately leading to a profound question that stopped me in my tracks for I never placed it before myself in exactly this way.

What does your happiness look like?

At first I really did not know how to answer. I looked deep, and said this:

I don’t know the answer to that question. Happiness is an ever flowing river to me. Refreshing, but never the same twice.
It is not a fixed thing. that is why I can’t answer the question. Many different situations might result in me feeling “happy” and every one of them could be a different experience generating different feelings within me. There is no single definition.
Happiness is this mystical being that everyone seems to think they seek, when it is simply there to be recognized. If you insist on a definition, it is the absence of negative feelings. That’s the best I can do.


For some their search is for happiness, not meaning (if they have a search at all). To me happiness is just part of the whole. We are defined by a spectrum of emotions. I view it as a sphere of emotional energy. Each emotions just represents an area on the surface; each is countered by its opposite on the other side. If we seek only one part of the sphere, we are cheating ourselves of completion. So I do not seek happiness. I seek the center. Once I can find that and hold there, I will truly encounter the me that I am. And I will be complete.

If you are still here, thanks for staying. I know this was a long one. I have shared a little of MY truth. Now I give you an opportunity to explore your own, and maybe even get a little closer to it. So tell me ….