A highly scientific study proves that most humans are actually naïve sheep. It’s true because I used the word scientific and included a cool looking chart with statistics that mean absolutely nothing because they have no context. The fact that  I also said it is Breaking News also means that it must be true. But if this undeniable data is not enough for you, take a look at the video which has expert testimony. The expert can not be doubted, because I called them an expert.

White House, The Dalai Lama, Abraham Lincoln, Random Celebrities, Some rich guy, WiklLeaks.

How do I know it’s true?

• I say it is.
• It contains references to known sources that may even be legitimate.
• A celebrity agrees. So does a rich guy.
• It has a video.
• It says breaking news.
• It has a graph with statistics.
• It is online.
• I want it to be true.
• Any evidence that clearly says it is not true is part of a grand conspiracy to disprove what I know to be true.
• Did I mention I want it to be true?

Try using your brains for a change people!!

The post Breaking News!! first appeared on thrumyeyes.

One might imagine that someone with such a full social calendar will not have all that many phone calls. One would possibly be imagining incorrectly.

I have a cell phone, which would quite possibly ring off the hook … if it had a hook to ring off of. It would drive me to wild acts of violence if I did not use the simple trick of turning the ringer off. Just ask anyone who has a LEGITIMATE reason to call me how easy I am to reach by phone. Why am I so popular in the telephone world? It’s simple really.

I have a phone number.

Apparently, the fact that one has a phone number basically means that one is brainless, and easy fodder for just about ANYONE who wants to scam a few dollars. It is amazing how many loans that I don’t have that I can refinance, or how many vacations I have won that I never signed up for. Not to mention how many time shares that I have never owned that I can now resell. I would be rich if I took advantage of all the get rich from home by using THIS method offers I receive. I have to admit all these phone calls and texts do occasionally make me feel popular.

The land line in the cave has a similar issue … with the ringer still ON (there are SOME calls that are legit). Recently, there has been a wave of calls to my mother from the feds about her persistent criminal activity. Yep mom is a criminal mastermind, though apparently not a very good one since she seems to keep getting caught. The most recent message was worth a giggle. Our message service transcribes the messages and send them as an email. This particular gumment agent had a rather thick accent that confounded the transcription program a bit:

Hi this message is intended to contact you. My name is Kevin Mason and I’m calling regarding an enforcement actions executed by US pleasure Way. Intending you see this attention. Ignoring this will be an intentional attempt to avoid initial appearance before a magistrate judge or a grand jewelry for a federal criminal offense. My number is 973-528-8225. I repeat 973-528-8225. I’d wife you to cooperate with us and help us to help you. Thank you.

I really wish mom would curtail her tendency to nefarious doings. Maybe the phone would ring less.

The post Criminal masterminds first appeared on thrumyeyes.

That said, anyone who has a pet recognizes that limits need to be set and boundaries established. If too much freedom is allowed, chaos will most definitely be the word of any given day. Some rules need to be created, and to be sure that they are enforced a certain level of training must be involved. The how of the training will be different from case to case, but usually it will involve some combination of “carrot and stick”.

Personally I prefer focusing on the carrots, but that may just be my inner libtard.

With my nomadic existence, it was only a matter of time before I found myself with a non-human companion. Brown Dog (aptly named because she is brown-ish and a dog) is very smart, and has a very distinct personality. If stubbornness is a positive character trait, she is a veritable saint. Since I kind of can be described in a similar fashion (except for the brown-ish dog part), it became apparent fairly quickly that training would definitely need to come into play.

Distasteful as it may be for me, sometimes punishment is necessary, but usually it is no more than an expression of displeasure. Usually offering reward … or denying it as may be needed, is sufficient. Thanks to diligent and efficient training,a routine of sorts has been established, and chaos has definitely been kept at bay.

Yep, Brown Dog has firmly established where and when I can sleep, what and when I can eat, and when and for how long I am permitted to do my own thing. She even regulates my exercise, letting me know when I can walk and / or play, and for how long. My failure to comply results in severe punishment … usually being pestered every ten minutes with either over the top cuteness or simple barking and staring until I do as told. Occasionally I may actually be rewarded with a treat, such as some peace for enough time to watch ONE T.V. show unhindered, or maybe room to sleep all stretched out, but it is rare. She is a pretty tough trainer.

Sometimes rules DO make for peaceful living. At least for the one who sets the rules!

The post Dog Training first appeared on thrumyeyes.

I have masterfully managed to completely separate myself from almost all things connected to humanity. This makes it rather difficult to relay the humor I encounter, since I really only encounter me and I am boring. But as much as I would love to, I can’t seem to escape the world of social networking, which somehow means I also can’t escape the political world. This is a world that is ripe with humor. In fact, it is such a joke that any humorous commentary I could possibly conjure up would pale in comparison to the ludicrousity (it needs its own word) of modern-day politics. So what HAVE I been doing to … er … um … WITH … myself? Watching a lot of bad TV. Playing a lot of pointless games. And taking … SHUDDER … surveys.

I am not proud of this fact, but I cannot deny it either. I take online questionnaires, for “fun”, to relieve boredom, and to ”earn money”. Of course the last is by far the funniest, unless earning 10 dollars for hours of answering questions that may or may not have been written by trained chimps is actually called earning money. The one thing that all these surveys HAS done for me is provide me with an unwavering surety, verging on pure faith, that humanity is …

DOOMED.

Most of the surveys are presented by advertisers to see if their intended audiences are actually as brainless and easily manipulated as the advertisers assume they are, but some of them are political “activists” seeing if THEIR intended audiences are actually as brainless and easily manipulated as the political “activists” assume they are. What scares me is that the advertisers and political “activists” may be right. I suspect there must be several classes for proper survey writing, such as Forcing Answers 101, and its sequel Making Completely Unreasonable Assumptions 102. There is also a follow-up course … Interpreting Statistics to Say What You Want (a 300 level course at the very least).

Questions are almost invariably multiple-choice. However the choices will rarely allow for the concept of independent thought. For instance, none of the above, or maybe even all of the above … or worst yet … it depends on the situation … will rarely be offered as options. So one is forced to pick from a selection of answers that may not really apply … thus providing the questioners with undeniable “facts” that they gladly force down our throats at a later date, once their extremely (non)scientific questions are answered. In other words they are modeled after the tests that define the education system these days.

I could give many examples of how ridiculous some of these questions are, such as asking the personality traits of THINGS, or asking how much we spent on a random item bought twelve months ago, but that would make this already rather long bit o’ nonsense REALLY long. So I will focus on the specific questions that prompted me to write this rather long bit o’ nonsense.

• Do you drink beverages in the afternoon for a specific reason? Some of the possible reasons … a pick me up, a snack … those are the ones I picked, though to me they are basically the same thing.
• What kind of beverage is it? … several varieties except the one that happens to be the correct one for me, which is a fruit smoothie.
• What are you doing when you drink this beverage? This was the question that really threw me. I am not sure how my answer will help them, since what I do while I drink my beverage is drink my beverage.

If the average human actually thinks the way those who create these questionnaires think they think, then I am pretty sure of two things … I am not human, and humanity is most definitely a failed experiment.

The post The question is … first appeared on thrumyeyes.

That is another thing that has become a joke in the modern world. Once upon a time, NEWS sources were dedicated to telling people what was actually going on in the world around them. The respectable ones would not only check their facts before reporting … they would make sure their WERE facts to report before reporting. These days, they are all just propaganda engines, promoting the agenda of whoever (Or is that whomever? See below.) their controlling interest is, or simply telling their intended audience exactly what their intended audience wants to hear. Ironically, occasionally some REAL news slips through. Of course this is usually the news that has the least impact to just about anyone except those in the story and those who might relate to the story.

Another concept that seems to have become passé is to use whatever language the news is being reported in … well … correctly.  Now I am no more grammatically correct than I am politically correct. I rarely use such word forms as “whom”. Few actually use that word, and the ones that do always strike me as saying “I speak Englishly much betterrer than yous does!” And I shamelessly dangle my participles for all to see. But I generally get my sentences structured in the right order, so folk will understand what I am trying to say. This headline was found in my local paper today:

No wonder I can’t seem to raise money for my multiple projects. I am doing it all wrong. Apparently fundraising has taken a new turn. It seems a good way to raise significant funds is to become hired killers. Does one make more money for slaying a whole family than just one individual?

The post The power of the press first appeared on thrumyeyes.

But I have de-liced my websites, and loaded them with barbwire, starving guard dogs, and fearsome weaponry that will make those robots get rusty in their pants (can robots pee?), so I feel safe enough to get on with a random rant or two again. Today’s moment of humor was also brought to you by the Grand Union of Cyber Criminal Wannabees. Once again I have been targeted as the lonely, poor, middle-aged man with no common sense, and I am starting to wonder if it is simply my looks?

I again feel obliged to help out those who do their jobs less than adequately by offering a few tips from this sucker’s perspective:

• If you plan on being believable, beyond the basics of actually learning the language you claim to speak, maybe at least a simple profile to suggest that you are actually a real human being might come in handy. Ideally it would be one that has a few pictures, a few things that indicate that there is a life to the persona, and it was not just created this morning.
• Granted I am a nice guy, but even I find it suspicious when you are willing to give me all your banking information when we have never met and chatted for all of 20 minutes.
• Based on the hell I have to go through every time I want to log into my OWN online bank accounts, it is extremely unlikely that the Cayman Island account that you just gave me the log-in information for has that simple a security setup.
• Seriously? Only ONE transaction and an exact amount in the account? Have you ever seen a REAL bank account?
• What bank has only ONE transfer option?

These are just a few things that pop into mind. Work on those and I might have a few more that will help you properly bamboozle someone who actually has a brain in their head. Or maybe my embracing my inner hermit has clouded my trust organs, and I just lost the opportunity of a life time. In that case laugh with me at the foolishness of this reborn sucker!

The post A sucker is reborn every minute first appeared on thrumyeyes.

… pooh.

Unfortunately, since I am not a sociopath, powerful in any way, or living on a deserted island, I basically have to occasionally wade in that pooh, even if I will do my best to NOT actually do a full body dive into it. This means that as much as I don’t like it, there are times I have to get the rubbers and a nose-clip on and start shoveling … that is if I ever actually want to DO anything I like to do.

For instance, my plans for a very long walk next year will cost an inordinate amount of shiny baubles (odd as that seems to MY version of sanity). Again unfortunately, despite by short attention span … oh look a squirrel … ahem … I have not manage to collect too many shiny baubles recently. Since stubborn to me is like soft mud is to a diamond … well I refuse to get anything resembling a "traditional" job. Which means I need to collect my shiny baubles in other ways. I am too lazy (or maybe aware of consequences) to do anything illegal enough to actually WORK, which does not leave me much else. Volunteering for lab experiments sounds kind of fun, but I haven’t encountered any wealthy but mad scientists lately.

I decided to go REALLY outside the box, and signed up for some of those "make money to take surveys" sites.

OOPS!

Seriously, I bought my phone because I needed a phone, and it seemed to do what I needed it to do. Not because of the name on it. Not because of the color. Not because it compliments my wardrobe. Not because it makes me cool to have one. I bought it because it was a phone, and it seemed to do what I needed it to do.

Apparently that is not how one is supposed to buy things. If I am understanding, the BRAND of a product is MUCH more important than the actual product. We are apparently defined by what we buy, as opposed to … maybe … having a practical use for them.

Silly me. I am so glad that I have earned almost $16 in three days of taking really disturbing surveys (it would have been more accept being the antiestablishmentarianist, I seem rarely to be the "demographic they are looking for". This was definitely a wise choice on my part for collecting shiny baubles.

By the way, does anyone know of a good place to find a deserted island?

The post Am I dressed right for my phone? first appeared on thrumyeyes.

But for those who doubt slightly, there is an added tool or two to add to the verisimilitude of the information being shared. I apologize for using such a big word, but it adds to MY  verisimilitude. First of all, if a visual aide is added (picture or video), then whatever is being shared is without a doubt 100% true. Add to that a quote that may or may not be by someone famous, and now we are talking at least 150% truth. But to really ensure that there is no doubt, all we need to do is add some statistics, and the thruthiness will gain levels of 200% … or even MORE. Seriously, how can ANYONE doubt the facts if it is based on a picture, a good quote AND statistics?

To prove how effective this is, I took a poll to see how many people actually believe the effectiveness of polls. My results can be seen below:

What is there to doubt about the above? Abraham Lincoln was a man to be trusted. And EVERYONE I asked did feel the same way about polls. Off course a few minor details are left out, such as the fact that Abraham Lincoln just might not have really been all that knowledgable about the internet, and the only person I presented the poll to was myself. But this graph and quote says it all, so why be bothered by such minor inconsistencies?

By the way, does anyone actually remember how to think anymore? Just curious.

The post It’s all in the numbers first appeared on thrumyeyes.

You may be wondering who exactly the Turtlewomp family is, and why I feel it necessary to mention them. Or maybe you have just accepted at this point that you don’t know what I might say. The truth is I am sitting here next to my niece, in a BIIIIIIG comfy chair, and we are playing the SIMS. There is nothing like making a fake life when your real one is kind of boring. You know, a typical sunday.

It is kind of funny when my niece gives me THAT look, when I say something typically Uncle Stevish. She asked me to pick a last name, so I said Turtlewomp, and the response was something akin to what dog would give you when it is wondering what the hell you are on about with that silly "bark" of yours.

Speaking of dogs, our intrepid, Ninja Cat Lizzy is outside, barking the bark that says, "Ok, I went out like you asked me to, and stayed out for a whole thirty seconds. Now let me back in and give me the treat I so richly deserve!" In the spirit of keeping Lizzy in her bikini body, we are struggling to ignore the incessant repeat of the phrase as long as we can. It is getting tough because she just switched to her "I am starving to death here!" moan. I hope she can mange to  survive to her dinner time, which is  in less than an hour. Meanwhile, her little brother Jasper, is being a proper Ninja Cat Dog and enjoying the outside like a good boy.

I have no idea where I was actually going with this post, but I fizzled out before I got there. Let’s just call it a slightly more amusing day in the life.

What more do you expect on a sunday?

The post A day in the life (sort of) first appeared on thrumyeyes.

Even our social interactions are vastly improved. Need to get the mail but not in the mood for the long walk down the driveway to the mailbox? Just hop in the car. Want to catch up on gossip … that is what the internet is for. Have an enemy that just makes you want to go postal? A mere button push and they are now no more than irritating dust. But until now there was one aspect of human interaction that technology could not seem to quite master. Love. Sure there are dating sites galore, with all sorts of advanced technology to find your perfect match. Yet it still seems to take an awful lot of legwork on our part. That is just wrong. It is far from the ideal of not having to put any effort for anything. How inhumane!

Thankfully the solution is here at last! All one needs to do is have a cellphone and be able to spell a few words. All you need to do is text the word Honey, your name and your partner’s name to 75555, and you will get back the chance of your love being true and lasting! And if that is too much typing, you can always do it online. Then there are only two names to write! It is infallible! It must be because the commercial said so. No more of this messy getting to know each other. No more hard work and making mistakes. You don’t even have to actually meet the person! All you need to do is plug their name in with yours and see what the Love Calculator tells you. If it says go for it, just show your intended the result and you guys are off to bliss!!

I have to admit it gives me hope for finding my one and only at last. I tried plugging my own name in twice, and found I only have a 46% chance of having a lasting relationship with myself. Guess I need to look elsewhere. Any volunteers?

The post Cupid is being replaced! first appeared on thrumyeyes.