What does your happiness look like?

The last couple weeks have been downright enlightening for me.

Let me back up even more. I have been struggling (again?) for a while now. Nothing new to someone who has way to much time on their hands to simply think. My current (constant?) dilemma is finding (creating?) a meaning for my life … or more accurately for life in general. It is by no means a new or original thought, but I firmly believe life has no specific meaning. Much of humanity cannot grasp or accept this thought, so we create explanations that give us comfort and ease the fear such randomness generates. We create cosmic scapegoats called gods. We assign polarity to everything and call it good vs evil, then make ourselves feel important by assuming we are on the “right” side of this faux polarity. And all too many of us let OTHERS decide what determines good vs evil in the first place, giving up our own capacity for self determination.

This type of thinking has resulted in the world we live in today. A world being shattered by divisiveness and fear, often in the name of a purpose assigned by SOMEONE ELSE. And too many of us don’t even know what it is we actually seek. What IS our purpose after all? Why are we even here? Many of us avoid the question altogether (at least on a conscious level). It is so much easier not to even ask. That guy over there has a compelling answer. I’ll just go with that one.

For a long time now it has been clear to me that the each and every one of us is nothing more than a minuscule collection of energy in the mysterious vastness we call the universe. On a cosmic level, we leave no discernible impact. Those choices we struggle with at any given moment really mean nothing in this immensity. We are nothing but a infinitesimal spark in an ongoing infinite energetic explosion. In other words, our lives really have no meaning. At least a meaning we are capable of understanding.

I am not preaching nihilism here. In fact it is quite the opposite. Since to me there is no set meaning, it is evidently up to each of us to make our own. We each need to decide what we will choose to value, and how we can bring that value to life in a way that allows us to embrace our existence.

This has been my struggle. I lost track of what I value. I have simply been going through the motions, wondering why I bother at all. It all seemed so pointless that I really just craved oblivion. I am not saying I sought death. Just wanted off the ride. It was fun while it lasted, but I am done with it now. This lack of inertia had me not getting enough sleep and simply not really taking care of myself. Then memorial day weekend came and I sought further escape. Let it all go. Have some meaningless fun and just enjoy. That food was good. The couple of beers hit just right. That hit was a deep one. yes it will all go away …

And suddenly I faced an epiphany driven choice …

I (WE) am the creator of my own reality. This is a simple fact. If I (WE) do not like the current reality, just change it. Also a simple fact. So my choice was do I just give up altogether and fade away? Or come back to the reality I (WE) choose. I chose to come back …

… and ended up in the emergency room. Which opened the door for a new journey of self … discovery? … no … CREATION. Ultimately leading to a profound question that stopped me in my tracks for I never placed it before myself in exactly this way.

What does your happiness look like?

At first I really did not know how to answer. I looked deep, and said this:

I don’t know the answer to that question. Happiness is an ever flowing river to me. Refreshing, but never the same twice.
It is not a fixed thing. that is why I can’t answer the question. Many different situations might result in me feeling “happy” and every one of them could be a different experience generating different feelings within me. There is no single definition.
Happiness is this mystical being that everyone seems to think they seek, when it is simply there to be recognized. If you insist on a definition, it is the absence of negative feelings. That’s the best I can do.

Me

For some their search is for happiness, not meaning (if they have a search at all). To me happiness is just part of the whole. We are defined by a spectrum of emotions. I view it as a sphere of emotional energy. Each emotions just represents an area on the surface; each is countered by its opposite on the other side. If we seek only one part of the sphere, we are cheating ourselves of completion. So I do not seek happiness. I seek the center. Once I can find that and hold there, I will truly encounter the me that I am. And I will be complete.

If you are still here, thanks for staying. I know this was a long one. I have shared a little of MY truth. Now I give you an opportunity to explore your own, and maybe even get a little closer to it. So tell me ….

WHAT DOES YOUR HAPPINESS LOOK LIKE?

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The answer has always eluded me.

Am I the me others perceive based on their own experiences and expectations?

But I am also other.

Step back; forget what was; let go of expectation.

Be the observer.

Ask again.

Who am I?

I caught myself smiling for no reason this morning.

With a blinding flash it dawned on me that I have been asking the wrong question.

I should be asking, “Who do you want to be?”

I caught myself smiling for no reason this morning.

Him. I want to be him.

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At first, this gathering and shaping may be a mostly unconscious act, thus the people we believe ourselves to be are really a reflection of how others perceive us combined with how self aware we are. If we do not grow in self awareness, the shape that manifests will become more and more fixed as the gathering and shaping becomes defined by comfort. This form can be heavily influenced by others in our lives, as we develop habits that are the “norm” for the environment we are raised in. Eventually, the shape becomes rigid, and yesterday defines tomorrow. Essentially our now becomes an extension of the past, and the yet to be loses its newness. The future shifts from the free realm of possibility to the rather closed land of expectation.

For some, this is enough. This kind of living is safe; comfortable. No need to change what seems to work, even if others define the limits of life for us. We do not need to face fears, because we already know what to expect. No need to question; no need to seek alternatives that may shift our defined shape into something more pleasing and desirable for ourselves. I am comfortable with the way things are. If others are not, clearly they are not doing things right. If they just emulate my shape, they too will be comfortable.

This way leads to stagnation. Essentially, the future ceases to exist.

Life is DEFINED by change. A life affirming future REQUIRES change. But this can only happen by choice. If any part of us wants to improve our future, we must first step out of the past and learn to appreciate NOW. The past has happened. We cannot change that. But we CAN change how much we let it influence the shape of ourselves. Do we want to be a fixed piece, nothing more than a statue ultimately shaped by past efforts? Or do we want to be a constantly evolving work of art, growing in strength and beauty, returning the yet to be to one of surprise and wonder?

Living now allows this to happen. CHOOSING how we live TODAY means the past does not decide today OR tomorrow. Now decides tomorrow. And tomorrow we get to choose again. This is how we return the future to the realm of possibility.

Appreciate the past. Learn from the past. But let the past go and live now. Choose who we are today and tomorrow we have created a new past to appreciate and learn from. In the process, we open up the possibilities for tomorrow. The future become an ongoing choice based on now, instead of a forgone conclusion based on yesterday.

Choose your future.

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That particular concept means nothing to me. I never thought of January 1st as being the beginning of anything other than an arbitrary month in a calendar made by man. To me the new year does not start until spring. Winter is the end of the cycle.

Yet this supposed beginning has been ingrained in our social consciousness for a couple of thousand years now, so I can’t just ignore it completely. When I was younger it was just another excuse to party. Those who embrace the idea of this being a beginning will talk about setting new goals and starting new paths. Often talk is as far as they get. Or some will jump into their new direction with focus and energy, but after a short period the realities of life and the difficulties of change will kick in, and everything reverts to the way it was before. Some may succeed in creating the change they seek.

The process is different for everyone.

I used to toy with the concept of New Year’s resolutions, but they never really stuck for me. My difficulty is that I am too now oriented. I am not really goal driven. This is not to say that I do no seek to improve myself, or change those aspects of self that no longer serve the path I am on. Rather it a choice of the moment. I don’t think in terms of “this year”. My focus is “this moment in time” which might extend as far as “today”.

Recently my energy has been on the negative side. Much is happening in my life and the world at large that does not resonate with me … or at least the me that I want to be. It is so easy to blame this negativity on outside events, because frankly humanity is on the cusp of a momentous decision on the ultimate path our communal soul will follow. But the reality is a negative reaction to what is going on outside us is a choice … even if not always a conscious one. The rest of the world is going to do what the rest of the world is going to do. WE can only change our own choices, which include how we react to what the rest of the world is doing. The is a fundamental truth.

It is also a truth that is easy to forget.

Every moment has the potential to start fresh. If the path we are on is not working for us, change direction. It is truly the choice of a moment. In practical terms, this might be a little more of a challenge. Changing direction mid-step could have unintended consequences. However, we are built in such a way that we reset every morning. Thus EVERY day is an opportunity for a fresh start.

So instead of a New Year’s resolution, I am setting a New Day’s resolution. Today’s resolution was inspired by the rising sun. For no matter how bad things may seem. the sun continues to rise every morning, even if we cannot always see it.

This morning it was quite visible to me.

The post A fresh start first appeared on thrumyeyes.

“Huh?” is not an unreasonable response.

Just do it. Don’t worry about art. Get yourself a piece of paper (which itself might be a challenge for some in this digital age) and draw yourself a rabbit hole. Make it big enough to put some words in.

Done? Great. Look at your rabbit hole and write down the first thing that pops in your mind. Maybe it’s a word, maybe its a phrase. Don’t think too much, just let it appear.

And so an adventure begins …

My rabbit hole

The path I followed:

• The word ‘asteroids’ randomly appears in my mind.
• “What a funny sounding word,” I think. Immediate perverse mind connection: Asteroids -> hemorrhoids
• “Shouldn’t ‘hem’ be ‘ass’?” I think. Shake my head in bemusement at my own thought processes.
• Look up the etymology of ‘asteroid’ …
  aster = star
• Look up the meaning of ‘hem’ There are a couple of meanings. The one that gets my attention:
  hem = restrict
• Restrict -> lock -> hemlock
• Bring back aster. Asterlock. No. Starlock.
• Search ‘starlock’.
• Turns out ‘Starlock’ is a brand of power tools.
• Search for videos about power tools …
  How to’s. A song. Kids with Power tools. CRAZY adults with power tools.
• Humans with power tools -> human power tools -> human power ->

Self empowerment

Deep in MY rabbit hole I found the concept of self empowerment, and that is where I stopped. Sometimes, the best way to get where you want to go is to head nowhere in particular. This is a particularly strong theme in my life and one I have often explored before.

Where does YOUR rabbit hole take YOU?

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momentous

mō-mĕn′təs

adjective

Of utmost importance; of outstanding significance or consequence.

From The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition

A few days ago my morning started as it always does. I woke up because for various reasons my body decided it was time to wake up. On this particular morning my reaction to waking up was one of pleasant expectation. It varies depending on the quality of my sleep, the nature of my dreams, and the weather. The mood being appropriate, I set out doing the morning rituals with energy (not always the case). These rituals include getting my self started on the day’s journey and attending to Her Most Royal and Beloved Majesty, Brown Dog. Of course she has her own rituals as well. A quick(?) timeline of the morning:

• Wake up
• My ‘Behind closed doors’ stuff
• Bribe Brown Dog to take the medication she is currently taking
• Turn on the computer, and make sure all the tools I am likely to use during the day are current and functioning
• Stimulate my mind a bit (translation … play some games)
• Notice Her Majesty is demanding my attention, meaning it is time to give her a Dental Chew, one of the collection of goodies that qualify as Doggy Crack
• Enjoy watching the dance of pure pleasure Brown Dog performs when I give her said yummy
• Go back to what I was doing
• Notice Her Majesty is demanding my attention, meaning it is time to go out on the deck with Brown Dog so we can “meditate” together

And so the post actually begins …

I have seen the view to the left countless times. I have take hundreds of photos of that view …so many that I thought there was no point in taking any more.

EPIPHANY

Stillness does not exist. Every aspect of EVERYTHING is in constant motion. On a macrocosmic scale everything is constantly moving, even if from a local perspective it does not seem so. On a microcosmic scale the ‘stuff’ that everything is made of is always in motion. Stillness does not exist.

What follows from this is that we can never view something the exact same way twice. Thus a new photo would be a NEW photo. Our perceptions might not agree. And so we limit ourselves.

PERSONAL STAGNATION IS A STATE OF MIND

If everything seems stale and repetitive, that is because we choose to perceive it as so. But it can’t be. So we need to change our perception. How? Embrace the moment. I’ve said it before. The past is past, unalterable. The future is a shaping idea, not realized until its moment comes. THIS moment is the only real truth.

All of this hit me in a glorious moment of release. Suddenly all that went before was gone from my awareness, and the yet to be was … well … yet to be. I simply breathed in THIS moment, and it was pure bliss. Then I took out my phone/camera/whatever the hell it is and took a few NEW (new New nEw neW) pictures. The two above and a couple of Brown Dog’s

MOMENTOUS DECISION

Do I lie down?

Yes. I do.

The only thing that creates equivalence between THIS moment and THAT moment is that we will be inevitably faced with a choice. The choice may be to simply be or not. Or maybe it will be more involved than that. Every choice we make determines the qualities of the next moment. This ultimately means that

EPIPHANY GROWS

EVERY choice we make is the most important decision of the moment. In other words, it is a MOMENTOUS decision in the purist sense of the word. The very NEXT moment is determined by what happens in THIS moment. This is a basic fact of existence ( at least if we have a linear view of reality. It could be that all these moments happen simultaneously, but that does not really change what I am saying here).

SIMPLIFY

Embrace THIS moment. Make MOMENTOUS decisions. Find the inherent peace and joy of doing so.

Live a momentous life.

The post A momentous life first appeared on thrumyeyes.

• This website is fully functional now that it has been remade.
•  Start with the body → the website has also been completely remade and is now fully functional.
• thru my eyes by taochild → I had to rebuild the site from scratch. it is fully functional now but far from complete
• The odd ramblings of a mind that does not quite fit → the website has also been completely remade and is now fully functional. Now I just need to post something!
• PAX Nation → It is again fully functional, but it also needs a lot of work and probably a lot of modification.

The other websites either do not need much done to them, I have yet to get to them, or most likely I do not know WHAT I want to do with them. My momentum is still strong, so it is likely all of them will get a least a superficial makeover. The next challenges include actually posting things and then getting others to read what I post. The first I have already begun (even if mostly here). The second might be more a matter of luck or accident than anything!

If anybody is reading these posts other than myself (and maybe my family), they might be wondering why I have so many sites. The short answer is: “That is a very good question!”. The long answer is really too long not to require a rather wordy post of its own (which maybe I will do at some point), but suffice to say each site represents a specific area of interest for me, and it seemed easier to me to separate those interest instead of combining them all into one extremely extensive site. I have enough of a challenge getting people to my simpler sites!

Now that I have made a level of progress that even makes ME feel like I have accomplished something, I might have to slow down on the design side an maybe start POSTING a few creations!

Until the next time!

P.S. I am still pretty sure I am talking to myself.

The post And so it begins … first appeared on thrumyeyes.

The combined result is the ME I am today. This ME often has me double taking when I look in the mirror. This ME has me wondering not only about what is next, but what WAS that led me to be … well … ME. In one sense I have not changed much at all. I have simply shed layers of illusions that “defined” the me that I thought I was, leaving me closer to the ME that I AM.

One of the changes has been a loss in interest in many activities that (I thought) used to define me. Among these was the blogging I embraced for a while. I kept my many blogs alive, but only in a “plugged into respirator” sense of alive. Three years ago I was going to restart this project along with others related to it. It seems I am just getting around to it now.

I am starting over with all of these ideas. I am incorporating what was, but shaping things differently, and approaching everything with a new perspective. This site is no longer anything more then me reintroducing myself to … you guessed it … ME.

As with the last time I restarted this site, I am announcing it with a new logo. Actually the whole site is a complete makeover. Only fitting, since the same applies to ME. I do not know if anyone will actually visit this site. I do not even know if I will maintain any continuous presence here one I am done with the current makeover. But in this moment I want and need to write this post. And so a new journey begins.

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Your inner voice is the voice of divinity. To hear it, we need to be in solitude, even in crowded places.

Whether a decision is potentially life altering, or as simple as what one’s favorite color is, everyone has an answer for you. And all to often, they will express that answer, even if you did not ask the question. Too many people have this need for their voice to be heard … no matter what it may say. They will gladly whisper; shout; sing; cry or simply say exactly what your choices should be. It does not matter that you did not seek their advice, they will share it anyway. It has become even easier in this age of digital communications. Someone does not even have to be physically near you for their voice to be heard. There are sometimes so many voices intent on being heard that one cannot hear any single one.

Cacophony reigns.

So how do we know which voices to listen to, and which to ignore? How do we know what choices to make when there are often so many voiced? Those who have he greatest influence in our lives will also have the loudest voices. We may even hear them speaking to us in our own thoughts; voices inside our head, directing, questioning.

How do we silence the cacophony?

Don’t worry, there are many voices willing to answer that question as well. For the moment lets focus on MY voice, the one speaking right now. I make no claim to special wisdom. Nor do I claim to be right or wrong. But I will offer an answer that works for me; and answer that to me seems wise and right, and maybe in this one instance my voice is the one to hear.

It seems to me that there is in truth only ONE voice that we all need to heed. There is only one voice that has the answers to life’s questions relevant to each of us. This voice knows the choices we each need to make; even the questions we each need to ask. We would find many of life’s trials so much easier if we simply listened to this one voice.

Unfortunately, the cacophony is such that many of us can’t even hear it.

Which voice is this? It is the still, small voice within each of us. It always knows the right thing to say, and will answer any question that may arise, if we can simply learn to hear it. That is the challenge we all face. We must learn to reach beyond all the other voices, no matter how much attention they demand of us, and simply listen to that quiet, peaceful voice of reason within. Call it the voice of the soul; call it instinct; call it the voice of divinity. However we view it, it is there for each of us. It is the voice we hear when all else is silent around us. It is the voice that sings to us when we feel joy; the voice that comforts us when we feel sorrow. It is the voice we hear when we slip into that realm between sleep and wakefulness. It is the voice that resonates deep within.

Still the cacophony. Find your inner voice. That way lies true peace.

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A weary old stranger. “Who are you, you’re not me?!”

I looked once again, expecting to find,

The me I remember; the me in my mind.

The reflection just stared back, tired and worn,

A face shaped by sorrow, sad and forlorn.

“Something is wrong here. This is not right!

This stranger before me has lost all his fight!”

I looked at this stranger, straight in the eye.

“Why have you given up? Again I ask why?”

The bleak eyes looked back, with barely a glimmer.

But deep in the shadows, was that a shimmer?

The tiniest of glows; a spark; a mere ember.

I knew this to be the me I remember.

“If I am you,”. I thought, “You’re not me.

Not the me that I WANT to be!”

I smiled a flat smile, and laughed a bit hollow.

The smile grew, and a real laugh did follow.

“You are me, I am you, we are one and the same.

But if you feel defeated, time to change the game!”

That tiny spark; that ember, it began to glow.

A warm feeling in my belly started to grow.

“Oh mirror stranger, you deceived me well!

But now I have realized that you are naught but a shell!”

The moral of this tale, be it strange but true:

No matter what life throws at you, YOU will always be YOU.

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